Did peace ruin my life?
The issue with trying to simply exist
I was looking through old business emails I had sent when mom was still alive, hoping it’d inspire me to start sending emails again to mold the beginnings of a new business I have yet to figure out.
After reading through one or two that were passionately-filled with stories and life lessons, I realized I only had those stories to tell because my mom was such a close and constant friction in my life.
You lost your fire because your mom died. Because she brought the fuel to your work.
Mom (and a few other loved ones) were the biggest catalyst for my decision to go on my own personal development journey back in 2016, and now everything that began that catalyst are no longer in my life.
All I have is peace, and what am I supposed to do with that?
Is it morally wrong to say that peace isn’t enough?
When I first got my food service job, I felt so abundant financially because I had never made that amount of money consistently in my life.
Now over six months later–despite all the pros of the job–I’m realizing it really isn’t enough. Money-wise, anyway.
If I could live in a world where I have the great aspects of my job now, at the hours I have with it, and can come home and just be at peace with my income and savings and can just hang out and have fun after work? Life would be perfect.
But what I make at my job is nowhere near a living wage. And that’s where I began to spiral a few days ago:
I can’t get the car I really want as a full-grown adult because of money I’m stressed about going to my dad’s destination wedding and don’t really wanna go because of money I want to go to a specific OBGYN cause of issues I’ve been having and he’s out-of-network but I’m still going to him because it’s my health but worry more because of money.
I let the feral side of my mind loose and let it sink its teeth into me, turning me holistically rabid:
I’m gonna go broke.
I’ll never be safe in my life because I’ll never have enough money…
So, what’s the point?
The biggest issue with all of this was that I had no solution in mind to fix any of this.
My job is so great to me, and it doesn’t pay enough at ALL for me to be any form of financially independent.
I don’t want two jobs I clock into; the life was drained out of me after working 9 days straight recently.
So what if I created something for myself? Something I can grow into an income?
And that’s where peace becomes a problem.
I’ve always drawn my interest and ideas for content and coaching and growing from my own life. When there’s no longer anything to grow from in a transformative way, you don’t have… well, anything to share.
Personal development has been a big interest of mine for years and years and years; I don’t think I have anything else.
I’m envious of those who just wanna yap about something they’re interested in, and turned to the internet to do so.
I don’t have anything I’m interested in like that.
So, how can I keep my peace and not let it transmute into scarcity like it has been?
I’m not sure. Honestly, a lot of distress swelled up within me for days on end, like gas in a bloated corpse deteriorating into nothing. One night it got so bad that I needed to move my body to get some of the pent-up distress out of me, and paced outside until my body became numb from the cold.
It sort of worked; I found myself making an anemic list of reasons to stay on this earth.
The feeling was just the slightest bit tamed, so I decided to pull some cards. I’ve always felt an innate urge when it would be time to pull cards, but this time is was a subtle desperation for answers that drew me to the cards for the first time in about a year.
I asked God and God-mom (aka my mom) for guidance, tapped on the cards, and pulled just what I needed in that moment:
I am alive. I honor my life by letting go, dancing, singing and feeling the fullness of my joyful energy. I am my true self when I am having fun. I am alive.
I am aware. When I pay attention to my surroundings, I can feel appreciation for everything. I see so much beauty in the world. Being aware means living in the present and fully experiencing my life in the here and now. I am aware.
Unbound. Releasing soul patterns, contracts, and past lives.
Soul Family. Call in your tribe. You don’t have to do it alone.
These cards quieted my mind, just a little bit.
It’s not a permanent fix for my resentment toward peace because I still don’t know what the future holds or what actions I can take to change it.
But it’ll have to be enough. At least for now.