Friday Reflection #25: Feeling like a failure

Spending time in search of my digital (and internal) home

Welcome to Friday Reflections! A weekly newsletter sharing current life reflections, and 1 thought or thing I loved and/or learned from the week as I navigate rebuilding my life as a late bloomer.

My sad attempt at food photography of a sandwich being assembled

Everything feels scattered and lost lately. Like, super recently.

Probably because my cycle’s starting in a day or so, but if we don’t take that into consideration…

I’m just feeling directionless at the moment.

I talked to my mentor after winning a hotseat coaching call and… felt unworthy of “wasting” her time with my aimlessness.

There are so many people in the mastermind who have direction. That have at least the fodder to work with toward creating a business.

I’m very much still in my, “I’m hiding away to get to know myself better and do inner work without so many online distractions screaming for my attention” era.

And somehow, I made that wrong of me.

She reassured me that I’m worthy of the call, of her’s or ANYONE’S time, and of anything I desire just because I exist and because I am.

I started crying, haha.

But the biggest takeaway I got from our time together was the fact that I learned that I admire the way people express themselves and try recreating it, but find out I myself don’t enjoy doing the same thing.

Take for example Instagram stories. I really enjoy the way some people set theirs up. How they share their agenda for the day, share themselves eating brunch, or working on something they’re excited about…

When I try to get into making IG stories, I usually hate it! It feels forced.

I struggle to remember to even take pictures of any situation. I envy those with the eye to capture truly candid life moments for their blog, or how they’re able to make food look pretty.

Because I’m usually disappointed in any pictures I try to take, I thought I could maybe draw instead. But most of the days I forget that’s even a goal of mine!

I felt SO frustrated and lost the last time I tried to draw a visual for a new idea I have for this newsletter’s rebrand that it was part of the catalyst for the funk I’m currently in.

But anway, my mentor reminded me that she WAS a person who loved snapping pictures and sharing them with a caption. It came easy to her and she loved it.

For me, it feels like some type of inconvenient roadblock to sit and create IG stories.

She asked me when was the last time I’ve made something my own after I told her that I essentially just like the look and way people do things and just try to “copy” the process.

I could only think of two times. Maybe in my whole life!

And she asked what was different about that.

I told her I was away from social media and pretty much everything. I was just in the real world, in Facebook Groups when necessary, on Substack, and watching YouTube.

She asked if I even liked social media.

I told her no, not really. I probably would just delete Instagram again honestly and be just fine with it. And I’m not really on anything else.

So now I’m tasked with finding my own way to go about things. But in an intentional way that fits me and my life.

I have some possible names ready for the future rebrand. I’ve thought about ending Friday Reflections and replacing it with something else, but I’m constantly thinking about creating visuals. How will I create visuals?!

I don’t want just stock photos. Honestly? I was supposed to make this Friday Reflection into a video diary but felt too down to do so.

I know how powerful video can be with connecting… Yet I really struggle with telling stories with visuals. It’s not fun for me.

Though, again, I admire it SO much when I see others do it.

I just wanna create a stronger connection with my community, but I’m coming up to a wall that makes it feel impossible to me right now.

Expression has felt… constipated the latter part of this week, and I’ll just blame that again on my upcoming cycle. It usually is the cause of my muggy thoughts and self-depreciation (some pre-cycles can get really, really bad).

Anyway, though I probably won’t be able to work on it for about a week, I am still excited about the rebrand to Losing Orbit here. I came up with too many ideas but I may take the month of October to play with them, which will help me gain my footing on what I really wanna be consistent with creating on here and how often.

Yeah, I think that’s my next best move.

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I write FutureMe letters to myself here and there, and received one I wrote one year ago this Wednesday and it was really precious, kinda heartbreaking, and needed.

In the near future I think I’ll be sharing what I wrote, my process for writing FutureMe letters and why I love them so much, and possibly an ecstatic overshare series I’m trying to make sense of in my fuzzy mind that I’m excited to hopefully formulate.

I wanna share what it’s like to drive solo for the first time at age 32 when I can’t find my way out of a paper bag… once I actually do it (in case you missed it, I got my driver’s license last week!).

I wanna share my favorite snacks and food and ingredients and books and manga and I know you already know this and are probably like… DO IT!!

Just need it to not feel like some catchall space. I want it to make some type of sense. And I need to discover what DO I actually like writing and creating (cause the Stardew Valley video series is still on my mind too).

Hence, why October may be a slightly wild and messy ride next month as I figure these things out. If you stay with me through it all, I commend you and thank you with all my heart!

Anyway, this went on waaaay too long. I usually parse these down during my edits but I just… really don’t feel like cutting a lot of this out this week.

This is what’s been on my mind lately, and I don’t mind if you don’t read all the way through.

This One Thing…

This sandwich has a star ingredient!

The only thing worth mentioning this week was my reunion with brown sugar peppercorn bacon and how I made a BOMB breakfast sandwich with it multiple times this week.

And air fryer potato skins!

See? These are some of the things I wanna dive into and share with you in this potential new series on the rebranded Substack! We’ll see.

Alright, I’ve gotta go finish writing this cover letter with a Canva template to see if I can get a job.

God, that feels pathetic and sad (in this moment, at least).

I got comfortable with the idea of working a full-time job for the first time, but now? It just feels like I “lost” (what? I dunno) and am being “roped in.”

But these are STORIES I’m creating in my mind about a reality that doesn’t even exist. We’re not gonna do that.

Okay. Mopey girl: out.

Cierra M

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