Friday Reflections Week 2: Running & Shame
A mindless mess of a week.
I procrastinated writing this week’s newsletter (as you can tell by the time you received it. I said I’d post between 12-1pm EST and I’m starting it at 1:22pm).
I had something I wanted to write on, on Wednesday, but didn’t write it down… so now it’s lost (and so am I, even more so).
This week I feel like I’ve been running from myself, and have pretty much stopped everything I was working toward.
I think it all started when I told myself I’d start a video podcast on Tuesday… I got so frustrated trying to film and get ready and figure out what to talk about for the first episode… I let it ruin my day.
The idea behind the video podcast was that I could film and edit weekly and fill my days with something that could potentially create an income for me, and take up time in my days. I LOVE the community you can build on YouTube, and it would make me feel ✨productive✨ and ✨useful✨.
But feeling so lost makes it hard to know what I can consistently talk about on any platform… which feels like something I’d need to do if I were to be a productive member of society.
I realize I’m attaching meaning to everything I think. It’s why I think I essentially ran away from, and stopped, nearly everything I was doing.
I threatened to leave IG (I haven’t I just haven’t made stories on it in like, 3 days and have 8 DMs to respond to).
I didn’t do any of the projects I was supposed to be working on as I keep working on the Live with Intention course.
Shoot… I actually stopped working on the Live with Intention course because I felt so bad about how aimless I feel.
I’m just in a super weird spot mentally.
I’m so blessed and grateful to be where I am and surrounded by so many people who love and support me (I just went out to lunch with my mom’s sister, her mom, and her best friend yesterday and it was really really nice. I really appreciated and adored how they all stepped in their new roles as mom for me by giving me gentle advice to take my time, give myself permission to explore, and pray along the way for guidance). And now I’m tearing up reliving that moment as I type about it, because it was just so sweet to have them step up to give me advice since my own mom’s gone now, ya know?
So in conclusion, I’ve been deeply bullying myself. I found out about a man named David who looks at embracing shame to see what gifts lie beneath that shame. It seems like magical work! He has a 6-week live course that started yesterday but his assistant never got back to me on whether it was the right fit for me so I guess I’ll just keep reading his Psychology Today articles, look into other books that cover shame (differently, but I need my fix), and maybe see if I can DIY an RRT hypnosis I bought from Manifestation Babe into something that can help with shame.
If you’re interested in seeing what’s so different about how “shadow work” and work around shame, you can check out his free webinar where we worked with clients as well during the call and explained his perspective. It was very interesting and will give me some things to practice as I move through this weird season. (I get nothing for anything I’m linking in this post, by-the-way. Just sharing what’s stood out for me this week!)
Speaking of, I found and watched this video on why we’re not lazy, and it was pretty dang validating. I may just watch it again to feel better. It may be supportive for you if you’re “not feeling productive" enough”, too.
I’ve also been running from my life and decision-making. I’ve found myself getting immersed in just vicariously living through watching YouTubers’ content. I’ll go through a lot of my recommendations and add videos to watch to a playlist that I then curate into daytime and nighttime watches. And I just mindlessly escape my life through that.
Hopefully, you see the irony in that. I won’t allow myself to play in other ways because I feel I don’t “deserve” to (and know knows where that exploration can lead!) so I just spend chunks of my days watching YouTube.
All I know for sure (……. I think?) is that I think I wanna get paid doing something I enjoy doing. I know, duh. Right?
I just remember when a couple of people bought me a matcha and praised my work that was just me writing what was on my mind, and cheered me on as a writer… I was SO ecstatic.
I just wanna exist and have fun, ya know? Set boundaries about when and how long I show up for my community, but I have fun doing it my way.
Just gotta figure out what “my way” is, now.
(And not get overwhelmed with the very real reality that I TRULY can decide how I show up for my life and days, and accept that there are literally no rules around that…. Yikes, that’s SO much. TOO much for right now.
Baby steps, baby steps… It’s 2023, why has no one made a manual for life yet?)