Missing Someone You Never Knew
And how to cope
Sometimes when I’m alone and lost in thought, I’ll find myself nearly tearing up about a loss that’ll never happen.
My mind will fold, contort, and reshape memories of a loved one into memories worth missing.
But reality reminds me that I’d only be missing an ideal version of them.
When you finally snap back into the real world, you realize you never could safely confide in them.
That they weren’t ever gonna accept the fact that they needed help.
That the blame games, the shouting, the name-calling, and the gaslighting would never change unless they chose to.
Even during the best moments with them, you knew the polar opposite could be right around the corner. Waiting to overshadow all the good.
That’s not to say you nor I wouldn’t grieve losing a loved one, even if they never transformed into the more ideal version of themselves in our heads. Not at all.
But I think it’s saying something when you can get so in your head about how different you wish someone would be that you actually mourn that loss when it never even existed.
Here’s some things I tell myself and do when I find myself grieving a person that frustratingly never was:
Always tell yourself not to take much of anything personally.
A caveat: once you’ve truly observed the dynamics between you and others in your life, make sure you’re not a common denominator.
If the criticisms and actions of others aren’t just a “you” thing, recognize that 99% of things said toward you isn’t personal. Which brings me to my next point.
Everyone is living in their own model of the world.
The piece of advice before this one and the one above are great reminders when setting boundaries.
The other person may feel hurt that you’re putting your foot down about something that hurts you. You know your intentions. So when they say what you’re doing to them, or how you’re “making” them feel, recognize that THEY are interpreting the situation based on their mentality, life experiences, etc.
Everyone does! Especially when they’re not practicing self-awareness. Emotions can run wild then, and go into autopilot.
Their feelings may or may not be valid, and so are yours.
Only you know the context of your situation and can learn how to have a civilized conversation so that you can try your best before and while setting a boundary.
And with that in mind, remember their reactions is a reflection of the world they’re living in.
Remind yourself that they’re doing the best they can with what they know and have, and that’s not your responsibility to heal and solve that for them.
They may have some generational struggles they’ve never gotten any concept around breaking. Maybe they think everything’s fine or everyone else’s fault.
That’s not your burden to carry. That’s NOT your journey to travel.
They’re currently choosing this way to live and it’s only up to them to want that change and to work and find the root(s) that need healing.
Sometimes, you can find compassion in your heart for them and their journey. Other times, you can only acknowledge that the best they can do still sucks.
Regardless, I hope you can come to a place where you can focus on releasing any of that burden for your own healing and benefit.
Do some energy cleansing and protection bubble meditations.
I love me some good energy cleansing and protection guided meditations!
A lot that I find are on the insight app, and I only have time for quick ones so my bad!
Reading 10% Happier. Never could get into non-guided meditation, and quite picky about my guided choices! So finally reading about his journey from skepticism into full-on advocate has been really inspiring so far!
Frozen dumplings & homemade dipping sauce. Craving dumplings, so I grabbed some to be a vehicle in my own dipping sauce concoction: soy sauce, brown sugar, Chinese five spice, Trader Joe’s’ mushroom powder, rice vinegar, and Trader Joe’s’ chili crunch. Yum.
Canva app. Being able to prepare content for my launch on the go is SO. Helpful. Cause I don’t get to sit at my computer a lot.