My current relationship with life.

From my Notes app to you: how do you feel about life lately?

February 22, 2024 - 12:19 PM

I’ve started therapy again.

A necessary check-up, and one of the many ways we develop a manual for life.

We create manuals for our lives all the time because no one can ever make a one-size-fits-all guide.

We do it with religion, spirituality, perspectives, mindsets, resilience, the stars, science, our bodies, with vices, with inflated egos, with calm and centered minds…

And so many other infinite possibilities.

I told my therapist my first day back how a few weeks ago, I thought a lot about how we’re here and we just die. If you left hardly any impact on anyone, they may be sad for a month or two, but they’re able to move on.

I told her how I do but I don’t want people to be inconsolable for months because they lost me.

It doesn’t have to be the world. I just hope someone misses me so much that it hurts them deeply.

I don’t know if it’s morally wrong to think this, but it’s how I feel. It gives life more meaning to me to strive to leave an impact in some way.

But I briefly pondered on that for a stint a small handful of weeks ago.

Now life and I are seeing a brighter side, but shadows still swirl within it.

I see blessings and curiosity so much clearer lately:

I’ve found and created opportunities to meet more new people, I see the someday fleeting blessing of having so many loved ones in my life in this moment—very aware that at any time, that could change.

I am blessed to have been able to witness and hear others’ stories on how they live their lives and why. I find intimacy in in-person, one-on-one conversations—no matter how mundane—in ways I rarely got to experience over the years.

I truly feel how wide and varied the world is, and in this moment I see all the beautiful sides of this.

I’m aware of the horrors and tragedies that go on all around us—and me!—as well. But right now I’m so grateful to have the capacity and privilege to focus on and find the good.

A single date reignited the love I used to be capable of pouring into a romantic partner that I hadn’t accessed in over a decade.

That same date allowed me to also continue to test my capacity to hold uncomfortable feelings and anxieties, showing myself true self-love when I falter in staying in the discomfort knowing it will not kill me.

Life is showing and reminding me how to reparent myself. How to treat my inner child.

I know the online world has nearly made these buzzwords, but it’s the best way to describe filling your own cup with the needs you never were able to successfully receive.

I won’t geek out about the cosmos here, but they told me on more than one occasion the direction I’m meant to go. And it’s away from the comfort and safety of depending solely on family. Instead, I’m meant to—of course!—move in the direction of responsibility, dependability, stability… I want that. I’m ready to head toward this.

And some minor health scares have helped push me toward being mindful of it all.

Life, for me, is about experimenting with my Human Design to help me develop even more trust in how I operate and am designed specifically to show up in my life and to make decisions for it. It’s been so helpful to me for years now.

Because of this experimentation, I’ve fallen back into a deep curiosity to dive back into tech like I attempted to back when mom was still alive.

The experimentation with Human Design is also reminding me that I don’t need to know the outcomes or have some 3-year plan mapped out in front of me. Honestly, I just need to step out and share what I’m enjoying. See what comes of it.

And it’s so hard to do a lot of the time because it hardly ever seems “logical.”

But as of now? I’m willing. I want to trust that life’s meant to be lived and experienced. To be felt, and loved, and hated, and understood, and despised.

It’s all a part of a relationship; what we do with it will always be up to us.

When it comes to how we feel about life, the feeling will always be mutual.