Reassessing my relationship with Life

Analyzing an old piece that left me feeling guilty, and grateful

This was written August 27th, 2022. A week before the shift into the toughest and most intense months of our family’s lives. It’s a slightly poetic piece that came to me and so, I wrote it.

I wanted to reflect on it now that my “wish” to build a better relationship with life has now come true, but in the most complicated way.

I’ve lightly edited it for clarity, and succinctness…

Since I graduated college, life has become more and more of either an impenetrable factory: mundane and mechanical. The magic sucked out of it because nothing ever changes but the passing of time…

Or a battleground: there’s no time to see or live presently in life.

It’s just a fight every day to see if you can find another reason to keep going. Or you just spend most of your days blinded by hope that you’ll someday experience unequivocal peace.

I’m not gonna lie: the past almost two years of my life have been the most peace I’ve experienced in over 13 years.

And life also isn’t binary.

Caregiving has helped me begin to shape a subconscious narrative about life and I’m gonna be honest…

I don’t like what’s being narrated back to me nearly every single day.

I can hear in the back of my head a consistent monologue of how I just need to make it through the day.

How I just have one or two things on my to-do list I must get done… but will I have the time to do it?

I tend to neglect every part of myself and my life in order to try to break free from the toxic cycles I no longer wanna live.

I sacrifice seeing the beauty and gratitude surrounding me presently on this journey by lusting after a future that doesn’t exist.

I’m not even giving Life a chance to grow and expand with me.

I just leave her behind. Consider her more of a burden than a blessing.

And that’s a problem.

I realize that. I’ve been realized that!

So I’m here to put in the work and be better for Life.

I wanna walk beside her, start really seeing her and the beauty that can be captured and lived through her on a daily basis.

Even on the hard days, I want to give myself grace so I can extend it graciously toward her as well.

Getting back into deeply building the foundation of my business has unearthed some tough truths for me to swallow.

My coaches and mentors have shared with us that our businesses get to simply be an extension of our lives.

Of course, with boundaries in place (because our value isn’t ever based on our business), our lives are meant to be a living example of our transformative results.

And it shouldn’t be forced. It should just be your life, lived out in that outcome. 

No extravagant yacht trips, Bali vacations, or Mercedes splurges needed.

We should be able to live out and share the moments we’re appreciating in our lives that wouldn’t be possible without growth.

And I haven’t.

We’re always growing, there’s always something to be grateful for… And I’ve been ignoring it all completely as I continue to long for my future day after day, hour after hour…

Many of the simple things we can celebrate in our daily life seem to usually fall under the luxury of having time.

Time to sit outside and start the morning slowly with a book and matcha.

Time to decide to fix a homecooked meal instead of grabbing another Taco Bell Grubhub order.

Time to move your body by taking a yoga class.

And as a caregiver, I feel like I’ve been robbed of that.

I know there’s other simple things to be inspired by in life, but I’ve seem to have fixated on the time I constantly feel I’ve been robbed of.

As of late last year, an event took place that made me begin to become resentful and check out.

It made me look at caregiving more as an imprisonment, and less as a neutral–though sometimes frustrating–obligation.

So Life’s probably been tantalizing all this time.

I’ve just been ignoring her.

Life happens all around you. It’s up to you to choose where you place your focus.

So I declare to add to my weekly Friday Coffee Dates, at least one intentional photo that makes me happy.

But I really will try to mend my relationship with Life. Really work on her. On us.

“I create an aspirational life because I create a life that inspires ME first.” - Ashley Rachel, coach

For years I’ve felt like that’s been out of my hands. But I’m willing now, to fight for Life and my relationship with Her.

We both deserve better.

It’s almost been a year since I wrote that. Wow.

So much has changed.

My relationship with Life has been tumultuous, to say the least, since my role as a caregiver has ended. But I’ve been learning how we communicate best together.

All by myself I’ve finally begun to slow down. Getting out of this deep need to run.

I stop and really appreciate nature. SO much.

Unlike before, I now have all day to do what I want, and make a whole to-do list I get to tackle rather than laugh at the idea of wanting to do even one thing, and not being sure it’s even possible.

I forgot completely about the time in my life when my Life was not mine. I declared it, I lived it, and I saw nothing but that as my truth. And it was at the time.

I went from scrambling to reconnect with Life again, to losing any sense of living, to an immeasurable overwhelm when it all stopped and stillness rushed in its place–leaving me breathless and scared and sad and so mean to myself…

To despair.

To a misunderstanding.

To trying to figure out how to communicate with Life again, because I didn’t know how to anymore…

To the slowdown.

To the pain of slowing down and being patient as Life started unfolding for me again.

I get her all to myself now. And at first, I couldn’t handle it.

But I gave it time. I willed myself to stay around to see what could possibly be next.

And I’m so glad I did.

Guilt strikes me a bit as I read the words I once spoke before I lost my mom, ultimately giving me the things I desired in my old post.

But I don’t regret anything I wrote. It was my struggle. My truth.

And I won’t let anyone convenience me to warp my reality to make others comfortable ever again.

I’m proud of the life I’ve begun to build with Life; we finally feel like we’re a unit. Working together, fanning away the paradigm I had no clue was so debilitating for me.

I’m saddened about the outcome, and overjoyed with the results.

I’m happy to say I’m glad to be doing Life together once again, in a fresh new way I never thought was possible for me back then.

Thank you all for being here as my Life journey continues to unfold.

Tell me…

What writing or documented moment have you looked back on that had you truly reflecting on how far you’ve come? I’d love to know.