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The message continued, explaining how he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship where a low libido was an issue and he wasn’t ready for that again.
I wrote back telling him I understood, and I did…
But oof. That one really hurt. And frustrated me on an astronomical level!
I was pissed that I wouldn’t get the opportunity to properly tell him more about myself so we could move forward from a place where both of us fully informed one another about ourselves. He got to tell me all about his last long-term relationship, so I felt I should’ve been given the same chance.
It brought me back to my relationship with mom. How it almost never felt like she’d HEAR me when I’d tell her about myself, what I liked and disliked, and who I was. It was almost always met with dismissal, or a condescending tone as if I had no clue who I was or what I wanted, even in my mid and late 20s.
My thoughts around Toby began to spiral, and I wondered if I could’ve done anything differently the day before we met up prematurely.
But then a moment of clarity hit, and I wrote out what I was processing:
“As of April 12th, 2024, I learned the importance of standing firm in your need to talk about sexual compatibility as an asexual if you know it could be an issue early on. Emotional investment HURTS. Let a fantasy run with me and left me hurt.”
I saw myself. I could see what I was doing… It felt so good to be attracted to someone and for them to like me back. So good that I allowed the truth I could so easily disclose to every other potential date, conveniently “slip my mind.”
All so I could keep experiencing the high I was getting from someone being excited about me. Someone wanted to clear their schedule and meet up with me because they were so interested in me.
I was ashamed of myself for literally allowing myself to get hurt. For putting myself in an emotionally vulnerable place just so I could milk being swooned over.
The shame was visceral, and at first, I thought, “Well since I’m no longer trying to get anyone’s attention, I’ll just skip dolling myself up. There’s no need to now…”
But then I immediately got angry! Why am I canceling plans to put on the press on nails I painted just because I’m no longer being perceived by someone I liked?!
Why am I no longer getting my hair cut? I feel like a little gremlin when my hair’s grown out at an awkward length!
The tumultuous energy in me couldn’t be contained; it physically hurt staying at home and wading in all the feelings I felt.
So that morning I put the nails on, made a hair appointment for that same day, and headed out to treat myself to Crumbl and Taco Bell.
At this time, I wasn’t the most confident driver. I would drive maybe one or two places before feeling a need to go home.
But that day? I let adrenaline drive me (pun semi-intended). It was the most driving I had ever done.
By the time I had gotten back home fed, manicured, and maintenanced, I felt a lot better. And that afternoon, I used a journaling template I made from a Heidi Priebe video to dig deep into what I was really looking for with my fast attraction to Toby.
I’ve watched many of her videos, but there are a few concepts that have stuck out for me. Aside from what I learned about limerence, viewing our inner child not only as someone we’re embodying, but one we’re taking care of and protecting as a parent. Especially if we lacked certain needs growing up and can now give them to ourselves.
What an empowering gift to give ourselves what we need! To show ourselves love, respect, and care by deciding to take care of our little selves!
So that’s what I did that day.
The day before, I was asked out by someone else on the dating apps. Let’s call him “Peter.” But because I had chosen the juggling route with dates, I wasn’t sure I’d be free to see him the day after my now-canceled date with Toby.
But now I was, of course.
I definitely was done with dating. But I couldn’t let myself just drop from the apps when someone was actively asking me out and being attentive toward me.
The whole situation I’d just experienced EXHAUSTED me and pushed me away from dating for a long while… But what did I have to turn to instead? Looking at my life at the moment filled me with dread. I knew I needed to focus on myself, but I didn’t know where to start. Just that I had to, and that scared me.
I’d go on one last date with the poor guy who popped up right as I was experiencing an emotional whirlwind, listen to him tell me, “we’re not compatible”, and then call it quits and face the demons of my aimless and mundane life I so struggled to find a direction for.
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Thank you so much for reading a piece of my serialized memoir, Looking for Love: (More Than) A Dating Memoir! To receive upcoming installments (and to continue receiving other works of mine) directly to your inbox, subscribe below!