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Everything logically felt right, so why wasn’t I feeling what I was supposed to?
I’d rediscovered a very thoughtful and kind Facebook message left by an old high school classmate I had gone on a date with once during college. He sent it to me in 2020 after seeing a Facebook status I posted where I vented during a rough day of caregiving.
After that date with him, I did a foolish thing and became less communicative and more distant when I didn’t know how to tell him I wasn’t developing romantic feelings for him.
He put the pieces together that I wasn’t interested in him in that way, and I confirmed, yet he still had the compassion to send me a message to help me during a rough time years later.
Stumbling on that message rekindled my gratitude toward him, so I reached out.
At first, I just wrote him another message, showing gratitude for what he sent me in 2020. He responded shortly after, and then I replied, then he replied… And we continued that flow for weeks.
Our conversations on Facebook Messenger came so easily! We messaged novel-length texts every. I learned that he didn’t want kids like me and that he considered himself demisexual.1 And my asexual self2 felt like it was fate! Eventually, we decided to try going on a date again.
He came to my house and met me at my door with some treats for our first reunion (what a sweet gesture!) and we were off.
The date went well, and turned into a second, then a third… But it always felt like I was just hanging out and having fun with a friend. The same anxious feelings whirred within me that happened the last time we tried dating years ago. The same ones that made me both freeze, and run, because I didn’t know what to do:
How long does it take to confidently know you’re not romantically attracted to someone?
The feelings of guilt weighed heavier and heavier on me as our dates continued. I felt guilty that he was using gas to see me, and potentially wasting money taking me out.
I’d constantly search Reddit for anyone who struggled to figure out if they liked someone or not, and came up with lots of threads explaining that if you’re not enamored with them off the bat? Then it wasn’t going to happen.
Google searches were warped in my mind at the time, because I could’ve sworn I couldn’t find any answers to how to know you’re ready for a first kiss. Either that, or the responses were vague, “you just KNOW.” But how??
Frustrated and conflicted, I wrote a draft that never saw the light of day dissecting dating, semantics around it, how to find the bridge toward intimacy you’re comfortable with as an asexual, and going over each past romantic experience I had to try and remind myself what made me interested and attracted to them.
But everything I attempted just tangled me even tighter into knots of clouded confusion and disappointment.
Throughout our time together, I tried my best to keep him in the loop about my feelings. They just weren’t blooming, but I still wanted to see if they would.
He was so nice, and thoughtful, and we had so many similar interests! This had to work!
Why couldn’t I like him the same way he liked me?
What was wrong with me??
I couldn’t let this opportunity go... In this, I’d rekindled a friendship with someone I was at least familiar with before. They liked me, didn’t want kids like me, and were under the ace umbrella.
If this worked out, I wouldn’t have to deal with dating total strangers. I wouldn’t have to worry about dating period as someone who’s in their 30s, but still looks like they’re in high school3.
I wouldn’t have to hope and pray I’d run across someone who clicks with me, and is also asexual. I so badly want to enjoy a relationship without the pressures of sex (or the very scary possibility of an accidental pregnancy).
This. Situation. Was. Perfect.
But unfair.
I thought long and hard if I could continue giving it more time to let the possibility of attraction develop, but it never did. And wouldn’t.
After around five dates, I let him know that I didn’t think anything would come of us seeing each other.
He understood, and told me he needed some time to himself. I felt horrible for not being able to make myself feel the same way he did about me, but of course gave him the space he needed.
The frustrating turmoil manifested physically in my body, and weighed so heavily on me that I decided to unearth a pendulum4 I received during a coaching certification to ease my mind.
Praying to God and my mom for guidance, I held my elbow sturdily on the black TV tray in my room. I hovered the chain with its rose quartz weight into the air. To calibrate its “yes” and “no” direction, I asked if my name was Cierra (a 100% “yes” question) and it slowly began to move in small circles clockwise. Then I asked a random question like if I was on the moon right now, and it began to circle counterclockwise.
Now it was time for the real questions. I asked if the guy I felt bad hurting would find someone perfect for him. It started up slowly, but eventually circled clockwise. That made me feel a bit better.
Finally, I asked if I’d ever find someone meant for me… I held my wrist to make sure there weren’t any influential movements from me swinging it in my favor, and watched closely as it began to vibrate into motion…
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Thank you so much for reading a piece of my serialized memoir, Looking for Love: (More Than) A Dating Memoir! To receive upcoming installments (and to continue receiving other works of mine) directly to your inbox, subscribe below!
Demisexuality is under the asexual umbrella and is someone who needs to grow an emotional bond with someone before they experience sexual attraction to them.
I’ve written on my asexuality before, but mine’s personally manifested as having absolutely no interest in anything that happens below the belt, but I’m very much heteromanitc, meaning I’m romantically attracted to the opposite sex and am sensually attracted and affectionate to them as well. Quite the conundrum, huh?
To this day, I’m literally asked by newly acquainted adults how high school is going! Promise I’m not trying to be cocky.
Spiritually, a pendulum is a weighted object on a chain or a string. One way it can be used is for clarification around yes/no questions.
I really enjoyed reading this . The suspense at the end left me wanting more. 💚