A further spiral looking for an anchor
8
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Though I was tired of the predictable rejections when dealing with dating apps, their marketing algorithms must’ve gotten word because they boosted my profile!
They knew what they were doing; I didn’t wanna miss out on my “15 seconds of fame.” So with the hope I’d regained from the Reddit thread of successful asexual relationships, I dove back into the dating pool.
This round of being on the apps was stimulating and overwhelming!
Before, I felt I’d be a “date one person at a time” gal. But knowing for a fact that most casual meetups (when and if they’d happen) would end in incompatibility, it was safer to keep the “conveyor belt” moving. I’d talk to several guys at a time, knowing most wouldn’t even hold conversations on the app.
But now? I literally had to keep track of names, and add notes to distinguish each guy from one another!1
I was pleasantly surprised to not have a single rude interaction with anyone, especially when it came to my asexuality. A handful of the guys started conversations off curiously, and we’d have a brief but meaningful conversation about our desires and needs.
This was all nice, but none of these conversations were leading to another date. I found myself relying on others to stimulate my life when I lacked interest in my own.
Add to this the pang of loneliness and hurt I felt when Facebook showed me two separate college friends’ wedding ceremonies. Realizing my life was so isolated for so long that I wasn’t invited to either wedding was gutting. I don’t fault them at all for not inviting me! I understood caregiving and trying to make something of my life kept me out of touch.
I rapidly began forming a story about myself and how behind in life I was. With this hanging heavily on me, I found it hard to find a path to distract myself with, especially since I wasn’t really interested in pursuing anything (or even knew where to start).
With all these anxious thoughts swirling in my mind, I let them flow out onto a morning pages entry to gain some clarity on the situation:
4/1/24
Anyway, I feel like kinda stepping away from dating apps, but also… the algorithm is on my side on BOTH Bumble and Hinge! I’m getting matches left and right and conversations that have been ongoing.
It’s nice, but I think my mind is shifting around a partner fulfilling something in me. Or just the loneliness aspect of it feeling like everyone else is getting partnered except me. It’s not even the comparison… It’s that I want a distraction from all these quick changes in my life. I want someone in my corner I can open up to and preoccupy myself with mentally and physically.
I guess a lot of the time I feel like I went from a stagnant person floating on a pretty predictable rock, to that rock developing cracks and fissures and it chipping and deeply dipping into water that’s no longer calm. It ROCKS you. And it’s not meaning to hurt you. It doesn’t hurt you.
It’s just new. It’s scary and new and sudden and you don’t know what to hold onto because youv’e never had to hold onto anything before.
You always just had yourself and it used to be enough because the waters always stayed calm and you could use your brain juices elsewhere but now, everything feels scattered and moving and new and I just wanna find an anchor again.
I guess I was looking for someone to be that anchor. Again, physically, mentally….
But, I also knew better than to let just anyone be my anchor. But I also didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, knowing that things would end if I didn’t disclose things.
I never wanna be manipulative in a way where I’m getting what I want even if it’s not good for anyone involved.
That’s an aspect of growth I guess… I’ve been teaching myself to hold onto the discomfort of rejection. Of holding my boundaries.
Despite me concluding that I needed to hold boundaries and not let anyone be my anchor, things swiftly took an ironic turn.
A very ironic turn.
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Despite this “cattle”-like system, I truly did try to take note of each guy to make sure I remembered who was who. I didn’t want anyone to ever FEEL like they were just another fish in the small pond of interest the algorithm blessed me with. I think even making small notes was a meaningful gesture.