A Crash Course on Grief
(and what NOT to do)
We watched on screen as the middle-aged couple quietly held hands across from “us” at their table.
It was another YouTube video, but wasn’t their usual setup.
She was usually baking giant and unique pound cakes, and her husband would sneak in at the end of every video rubbing his hands in anticipation as if he was Wile W. Coyote lusting after the Road Runner.
This time, they were there to tell us about the passing of a very close family friend.
But a family member next to me at the time had a critique on the matter:
“If he’s a pastor, he should know he’s gonna see his friend again in heaven. He’s talking like his friend’s gone forever…”
Once that was said, I knew I needed to write out my frustrations.
The older generation in my family are devout Christians.
And the older I’d get, the less compelling their version of Christianity would be.
This isn’t the same instance, but I remember watching a different YouTube video where a young woman talked about losing her dad during the pandemic.
An aggressive form of alzhemier’s took him away, and she mentioned in her video that she had to say goodbye to him via Zoom.
She talked about how angry she was at God for what happened. How angry she was period.
This, was her grief.
So to have it met in the comments with someone saying:
“The same God you're angry with is the same one dancing with your father and loving him beyond compare right now ❤️ This too, shall pass…” felt a little… dismissive.
And it was shown too.
She “hearted” every comment under that thread that gave condolences except that particular one.
To tell someone how to grieve is concerning to me.
Actually witnessing people I know haven’t lost anyone close to them try to dictate how others should mourn is astounding to me… That they actually couldn’t wrap their head around someone who:
Had a best friend…
Had a family that was close friends with their family…
Had kids that saw them as uncles and brothers…
How can you not comprehend that life as someone knew and lived it will now always be drastically different and a constant reminder that you no longer can see, speak, hear, touch, or just BE with your loved one anymore?
It’s a bit wild to me.
Again, I know not everyone is like this. Christian or not.
I just wanted it to be a reminder to really, really be careful of what you say and how you empathize with those who are grieving.
Grief is a wild ride. I’m saying this purely out of empathy because I’m currently fortunate enough to not be able to speak from a deep experience of death.
But I’ve read and heard and witnessed the ways people can grieve, and it all can be so so different.
And it’s okay; it all should be respected.
I truly hope we as a collective can become better humans around the ones that have lost so much.
Gentle Notes on Navigating Grief “Better”
A comforting illustration on grief:
And a way to handle others’ grief. (Bookshop affiliate link)1
Please excuse the audio narration for “Gentle Notes on Navigating Grief Better.” I hadn’t written it out and was running out of time to speak it out. Seeing it vs. listening this time should clear up any confusion.
Yes, let us be with others in their grief and help them deal with it in their own way. Each person is different and platitudes don't help.