omg!! I could have written this, it 100% is about where I am and have been for almost 6 months. I have just let everything go, mostly myself, too lost to get in the shower or get dressed for weeks, sometimes months at a time. This is not who I am, or at least not who I've ever been. I am a social butterfly, a Gemini, an extrovert who keeps up with the latest and coolest fashion trends, and never leaves the house without looking cute! Where is that person now? I have not left my apartment in months. I am scared of who I have become. Does this sound crazy and unreal? Is this just a dream?
It is SO fascinating (and SO scary!!) to see how different we can become in the passing of time and/or events, isn't it?
Maybe, if it's safe, you can dive into what changed, and be compassionate toward the version of a person you are right now as you navigate it.
I've been watching a woman named Heidi Priebe lately. She's spectacular. And honestly? The past couple of days one of her videos sparked me to make myself a little self-development boot camp where I'm taking my favorite tools and resources and am actively doing things like figuring out my true life values and what I can do with them.
I'm not sure where any of this will lead, but after writing what I wrote above on the 7th, I've let go of a lot of "expectations" and "shoulds" and pressures I've been putting on myself and it feels like I can breathe again and that's something, yeah?
I am so glad I stumbled upon your substack and this article. Perfect timing! I'm open to ideas because obviously anti depressants and therapy are not working the way they should. Thanks for the suggestion and for this! This original post.
You're absolutely welcome! I'm not a professional, but I know Heidi has some certifications and qualifications (and a video or two on depression!). Sometimes hearing similar messages from different people can really make some concepts click. Or just keeping your eyes peeled and seeing if anything inspires you to make some different moves.
I so wish you luck on your journey as you navigate this season in your life! You're welcome here anytime and would love to keep hearing from you!
Soon enough, the clouds above you will clear out, and you'll see your North Star that will help you navigate through the uncertain waters. In the meantime, I'll keep an eye out for you while I'm floating along so we don't bump heads too hard. 😉
I feel like we should pay attention to our rhythms. If our self is in a low place, it's ok. We don't have to be 'up' if we're not. No judgment. Not a few writers pay attention to nature's rhythms. It's not rushed. Brian Funke posted an awesome poem titled 'The Hunt', then broke it down in the 'The hunt: A reflection.'
Thank you for sharing Brian's work with me. I'm having a slow, fuzzy day and so it took me awhile longer than I'd typically imagine to get through, haha. But yes, send me aaaall the reminders that change is one of few constants in our lives. It truly does build up the capacity to hold all sorts of things more healthily in our bodies, I'd say!
With his and your words in mind, I think I'm gonna listen to the current rhythms today. I wanted to get some more writing ideas/concepts done on the computer, but after spending two hours building a shelf and putting together a new humidifier for my plant, I don't think I have much brain capacity left for the creative work I WANNA dive into.
I may let it be okay to jot down some notes, and play Stardew a bit tonight :)
Thank you for always showing up and supporting me, Ron! ♥
This is so true and so valuable. I am working on paying more attention to my internal ebb and flow and trying to unstick myself from the pressure of the outside hustle culture.
It's a constant process I swear! Human Design has helped a bit with me keeping feelers out for what I actually *want* to do, rather than constantly pushing all that out, replacing it with stories of "should"s instead!
One of Heidi Priebe's videos talked about how we can decide now to stick with ourselves when/if we had a childhood where parts of ourselves were otherwise abandoned. What a blessing!
WOW. Ohmygosh this is so beautiful and just made my heart ache with the specificity of the questions and seeing myself as a 5 year old. So soft and kind and full of wonder. Whew. Thank you so much, Cierra!
"But damn my buoyant body. I’m still here." Girl, you said a mouthful. You always come around to a beautiful inspiring point. Thanks for being here and writing about it.
😭 Thank *you* so much for your support and kind words! I really felt like this particular Morning Pages was worth sharing--a lot came up, as you can see, and even somewhat a conclusion for next steps!
I've just stumbled across your Substack and it's incredible how well you've captured something I've been feeling as well. This resonated to me from across the screen -
"Something snapped in me like a new glowstick that day; I felt anew and vibrant about life when I finished writing that entry. It made me throw the last of my perfectionistic “should”s out the window. "
You've captured that lightning in a bottle where the words refuse to be held inside anymore. Love it and hitting subscribe after I hit post :)
Cierra, I'm reading this just over a month after you wrote it. I'm so curious where you and your glowstick are now, a month later. So much of this resonated with me. The floating with no real foundation, wanting an answer, being disappointed that this is it, this is life. I struggle too with being alive, not so much wanting to not be alive, but wanting to just sleep for the longest time, until something changes, until something grabs me and pulls me towards it, fiercely. I've always been in awe and a little envious - that's not quite the right word, but it's close -- of people who have a CALLING. One true thing they knew they were meant to do. I listened to an interview with a musician who I'd never heard of and now can't remember her name, but she's more or less famous and she said that she picked up the guitar around 12 and just knew that they would be life partners, that they were going to do this life thing together. I ache to know what that feeling would be like. To be so SURE. Thank you so much for sharing this. ❤️🙏
Thank you so so much for reading and taking the time to share!
I can't believe it's been a month! I think the glow stick was still snapped, but a lot happened last month! I just looked through the photos in my gallery from April and... SO much happened over the month. At least for me!
Sometimes, I wanted to write but was too busy. Other times, life took up more headspace than what writing would allow.
I'll be honest, I got frustrated just a week or so ago, because I was back to having things to share, but not being sure how I wanted to organize my thoughts or make sense of how to be sustainable and a liiiiittle more consistent on here.
Usually in the back of my mind, I'd still wonder what am I gonna DO with my life??
Right now? I'm more at peace with everything, but I also think it's because I'm VERY recently super excited that I came up with an epic schedule for my return to Substack writing!
I'm gonna work on it this week. :)
I still don't know where my life's gonna end up or what my next steps will look like, but revisiting some Human Design concepts I had learned about my own design also helped calm me down a bit much later in the month/early this month.
As I write this, I'm watching this young woman with her animal sanctuary and she just always LOVED animals. I've seen those people who just KNEW what they were gonna do.
I think writing is MY thing, but I know I've spent so much time doubting my ability to become or make anything sustainable for me as a writer. I think soon, maybe now(!), I'll start advocating for myself and my pace.
Again, another whole "trust the process" thing. Which is super painful!
But I feel quite a bit better at the moment! Even my excitement around making sense of what I wanna post coming up on my Substack makes me a little bit more excited. We truly need to keep on living (even if it's painfully) until something aligns or makes us excited. Even just the tiniest bit. ♥
this is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing! I feel so similarly right now. Just trying to stick with the daily practices I know work to keep me afloat. The question that keeps coming up for me is, "What would I do/who would I be if I wasn't trying so hard to be something or someone that's not really in alignment with who I am at my core?"
I've been getting into that mindset lately too! As I work on identity work, I noticed the magic of the shift of sometimes just embodying who you're becoming in any way you can, or anything that can help you process anything that can help you step into the mindset more fully.
Wow Cierra! Reading this was like taking the lid off my own past bottled up emotions. I understand "floating" is part of the journey for me. I like it as much as deliberate movement. It paces me and allows time to appreciate the here and now. I'm happiest when my thoughts are in the here and now. Thank you for reminding me not to fret so much about the who, what, when, where and how's.
I'm so glad you found something useful from this piece, Karen! I love this concept of looking at the floating as being present rather than a forced and torturous moment in life. Thank YOU for the perspective shift as well!
yes! the floating really resonated with me too. Like stop the struggle and the resistance and the _trying_ so hard. My mom told me that my grandmother once said to her, "When you feel like it's all too much and you're drowning, just float. You cannot drown when you're floating, only when you struggle." I was like, dang, grandma, that's some wisdom right there. ;)
omg!! I could have written this, it 100% is about where I am and have been for almost 6 months. I have just let everything go, mostly myself, too lost to get in the shower or get dressed for weeks, sometimes months at a time. This is not who I am, or at least not who I've ever been. I am a social butterfly, a Gemini, an extrovert who keeps up with the latest and coolest fashion trends, and never leaves the house without looking cute! Where is that person now? I have not left my apartment in months. I am scared of who I have become. Does this sound crazy and unreal? Is this just a dream?
It is SO fascinating (and SO scary!!) to see how different we can become in the passing of time and/or events, isn't it?
Maybe, if it's safe, you can dive into what changed, and be compassionate toward the version of a person you are right now as you navigate it.
I've been watching a woman named Heidi Priebe lately. She's spectacular. And honestly? The past couple of days one of her videos sparked me to make myself a little self-development boot camp where I'm taking my favorite tools and resources and am actively doing things like figuring out my true life values and what I can do with them.
I'm not sure where any of this will lead, but after writing what I wrote above on the 7th, I've let go of a lot of "expectations" and "shoulds" and pressures I've been putting on myself and it feels like I can breathe again and that's something, yeah?
I am so glad I stumbled upon your substack and this article. Perfect timing! I'm open to ideas because obviously anti depressants and therapy are not working the way they should. Thanks for the suggestion and for this! This original post.
You're absolutely welcome! I'm not a professional, but I know Heidi has some certifications and qualifications (and a video or two on depression!). Sometimes hearing similar messages from different people can really make some concepts click. Or just keeping your eyes peeled and seeing if anything inspires you to make some different moves.
I so wish you luck on your journey as you navigate this season in your life! You're welcome here anytime and would love to keep hearing from you!
🙏😊
Soon enough, the clouds above you will clear out, and you'll see your North Star that will help you navigate through the uncertain waters. In the meantime, I'll keep an eye out for you while I'm floating along so we don't bump heads too hard. 😉
Awww, I appreciate the look out as we both float along :)
I'm sure the North Star will come soon enough. Excited to try some things in the meantime for sure! :D
the sun sets but it will always rise again.
keep swimming.
It certainly will always rise again! I'll keep floating, keep swimming, keep trying! Thank you :)
I feel like we should pay attention to our rhythms. If our self is in a low place, it's ok. We don't have to be 'up' if we're not. No judgment. Not a few writers pay attention to nature's rhythms. It's not rushed. Brian Funke posted an awesome poem titled 'The Hunt', then broke it down in the 'The hunt: A reflection.'
https://brianfunke.substack.com/p/the-hunt-a-reflection
Check it out! Appreciate your posts, Cierra!
Ron!! I have a name now :)
Thank you for sharing Brian's work with me. I'm having a slow, fuzzy day and so it took me awhile longer than I'd typically imagine to get through, haha. But yes, send me aaaall the reminders that change is one of few constants in our lives. It truly does build up the capacity to hold all sorts of things more healthily in our bodies, I'd say!
With his and your words in mind, I think I'm gonna listen to the current rhythms today. I wanted to get some more writing ideas/concepts done on the computer, but after spending two hours building a shelf and putting together a new humidifier for my plant, I don't think I have much brain capacity left for the creative work I WANNA dive into.
I may let it be okay to jot down some notes, and play Stardew a bit tonight :)
Thank you for always showing up and supporting me, Ron! ♥
I'm thinkin building shelves and assembling humidifiers is totally creative!
Haha, thank you! And I get to admire my work every time I walk past it :D
This is so true and so valuable. I am working on paying more attention to my internal ebb and flow and trying to unstick myself from the pressure of the outside hustle culture.
It's a constant process I swear! Human Design has helped a bit with me keeping feelers out for what I actually *want* to do, rather than constantly pushing all that out, replacing it with stories of "should"s instead!
One of Heidi Priebe's videos talked about how we can decide now to stick with ourselves when/if we had a childhood where parts of ourselves were otherwise abandoned. What a blessing!
Oooooh! I would love to see that. Do you have a link? 🙏
Yes yes!! Here is one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9VLIJCRqe4
And here's someone's helpful comment too!
"5 recommendations on how to work with your inner child:
1) 8:05 Improve your relationship with self-protection
(Would I be comfortable with someone speaking to my 5-year-old child this way? If not, how do I need to stand up for myself?)
2) 11:07 Examine your relationship with growth and self-development
(Would I push the child to try harder in the situation, or notice they're exhausted and need time to rest?)
3) 14:16 Adress the relationship with your body
(If I fed, groomed, and dressed the child the way I do myself, what message would I be sending about their importance?)
4) 15:46 Improve your relationship with self-regulation
(When I'm feeling impulsive, out of control, what might a child need in those circumstances?)
5) 18:03 Improve your connection to your life force energy
(Am I balancing my short-term and long-term wants and needs? Safety, stability vs excitement & play)"
WOW. Ohmygosh this is so beautiful and just made my heart ache with the specificity of the questions and seeing myself as a 5 year old. So soft and kind and full of wonder. Whew. Thank you so much, Cierra!
Absolutely!! Of course! Her videos have been my North Star for a few months now!
(… And also this one on self-abandonment! https://youtu.be/fcRRfH9k0w0?si=_qG3LLdxTpvgpYBb)
"But damn my buoyant body. I’m still here." Girl, you said a mouthful. You always come around to a beautiful inspiring point. Thanks for being here and writing about it.
😭 Thank *you* so much for your support and kind words! I really felt like this particular Morning Pages was worth sharing--a lot came up, as you can see, and even somewhat a conclusion for next steps!
I've just stumbled across your Substack and it's incredible how well you've captured something I've been feeling as well. This resonated to me from across the screen -
"Something snapped in me like a new glowstick that day; I felt anew and vibrant about life when I finished writing that entry. It made me throw the last of my perfectionistic “should”s out the window. "
You've captured that lightning in a bottle where the words refuse to be held inside anymore. Love it and hitting subscribe after I hit post :)
Thank you, thank you, thank YOU!
It's such an honor when I'm able to put into words feelings people have and struggle with grasping more tangibly. Such an exhale, right?!
Thank you so much for subscribing and I'll be seeing you soon! :) ♥
Cierra, I'm reading this just over a month after you wrote it. I'm so curious where you and your glowstick are now, a month later. So much of this resonated with me. The floating with no real foundation, wanting an answer, being disappointed that this is it, this is life. I struggle too with being alive, not so much wanting to not be alive, but wanting to just sleep for the longest time, until something changes, until something grabs me and pulls me towards it, fiercely. I've always been in awe and a little envious - that's not quite the right word, but it's close -- of people who have a CALLING. One true thing they knew they were meant to do. I listened to an interview with a musician who I'd never heard of and now can't remember her name, but she's more or less famous and she said that she picked up the guitar around 12 and just knew that they would be life partners, that they were going to do this life thing together. I ache to know what that feeling would be like. To be so SURE. Thank you so much for sharing this. ❤️🙏
Thank you so so much for reading and taking the time to share!
I can't believe it's been a month! I think the glow stick was still snapped, but a lot happened last month! I just looked through the photos in my gallery from April and... SO much happened over the month. At least for me!
Sometimes, I wanted to write but was too busy. Other times, life took up more headspace than what writing would allow.
I'll be honest, I got frustrated just a week or so ago, because I was back to having things to share, but not being sure how I wanted to organize my thoughts or make sense of how to be sustainable and a liiiiittle more consistent on here.
Usually in the back of my mind, I'd still wonder what am I gonna DO with my life??
Right now? I'm more at peace with everything, but I also think it's because I'm VERY recently super excited that I came up with an epic schedule for my return to Substack writing!
I'm gonna work on it this week. :)
I still don't know where my life's gonna end up or what my next steps will look like, but revisiting some Human Design concepts I had learned about my own design also helped calm me down a bit much later in the month/early this month.
As I write this, I'm watching this young woman with her animal sanctuary and she just always LOVED animals. I've seen those people who just KNEW what they were gonna do.
I think writing is MY thing, but I know I've spent so much time doubting my ability to become or make anything sustainable for me as a writer. I think soon, maybe now(!), I'll start advocating for myself and my pace.
Again, another whole "trust the process" thing. Which is super painful!
But I feel quite a bit better at the moment! Even my excitement around making sense of what I wanna post coming up on my Substack makes me a little bit more excited. We truly need to keep on living (even if it's painfully) until something aligns or makes us excited. Even just the tiniest bit. ♥
It'll come, as long as we're here and hopeful
this is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing! I feel so similarly right now. Just trying to stick with the daily practices I know work to keep me afloat. The question that keeps coming up for me is, "What would I do/who would I be if I wasn't trying so hard to be something or someone that's not really in alignment with who I am at my core?"
I've been getting into that mindset lately too! As I work on identity work, I noticed the magic of the shift of sometimes just embodying who you're becoming in any way you can, or anything that can help you process anything that can help you step into the mindset more fully.
Thank YOU for sharing too!
I love how aligned we are and have been! :)
Me too! ❤️ And I love how you said this, " embodying who you're becoming in any way you can". that is so fabulous!
Ahhh, thank yooou!! Aw I really appreciate that!
💕
Wow Cierra! Reading this was like taking the lid off my own past bottled up emotions. I understand "floating" is part of the journey for me. I like it as much as deliberate movement. It paces me and allows time to appreciate the here and now. I'm happiest when my thoughts are in the here and now. Thank you for reminding me not to fret so much about the who, what, when, where and how's.
I'm so glad you found something useful from this piece, Karen! I love this concept of looking at the floating as being present rather than a forced and torturous moment in life. Thank YOU for the perspective shift as well!
yes! the floating really resonated with me too. Like stop the struggle and the resistance and the _trying_ so hard. My mom told me that my grandmother once said to her, "When you feel like it's all too much and you're drowning, just float. You cannot drown when you're floating, only when you struggle." I was like, dang, grandma, that's some wisdom right there. ;)
Grandma’s wisdom is being passed DOWN! Oh my gosh, I love that! That makes so much sense and is so so true. Goodness, I’m taking that with me.
Yes is IS! I can feel her smiling at that. 🦋