Friday Reflection #18: This is what dreams are made of!(?)
Comics, corn, and 12-week programs
Welcome to Friday Reflections! A weekly newsletter sharing 3 thoughts and/or things I loved and learned from the week as I navigate learning how to create a life I’m nourished by, and thriving in, without my mom (or caregiving for her).
I’ve felt so… “important” this month so far! Does anyone else feel like they have more of a purpose in life when they have things to do and places to be?
I’m not sure if that’s a healthy thing or not (probably not), because I REALLY struggled at the beginning of the year when I lost mom, my full-time caregiving position for her, and my interest in absolutely everything (except writing).
I was so mad at myself for just being… depressed, I guess? I was so concerned everyone would see me as lazy and taking advantage of the blessing I have to be in an environment where I can take my time coming back to life, despite everyone literally telling me the exact opposite!
Anyway, it’s only been a week into July and I just feel shallowly fulfilled because I have things to do and I’m happy about the things I’m doing. :)
I guess a happier way to look at it is… I’m committed and playing and there’s nothing wrong with that! Yes, we’re gonna turn this kinda bleak analysis on its head.
Otherwise, I still absentmindedly wonder about the future… I’m in a 12-week program that’s just started called Money Made that I’m so grateful to be in (I’ve mentioned her before but it’s run by Beatrice Kamau who hosts the Self-Love Fix podcast) because I feel like it’ll really help me and my relationship with money (and myself). We just had our first non-orientation week and it was mind-blowing! I can’t wait for the replay to come up so I can revisit and do the homework once it’s up.
Otherwise, I’m not really sure what I’m aiming for. I talked to my therapist about me trying to figure out why people do things and why I should even do things like go on a walk, or go to Japan (a lifelong dream that I’m now trying to figure out what the end goal of any type of traveling is)...
My brain’s a mess; everything used to be so easy. Even when I felt lost, I knew I was burnt out or trying to pivot.
Nowadays, my aimlessness feels a bit more vapid. Like it’s no longer me trying to make sense of the path I’m on and pursuing, but more like… I’m sitting in the dirt and I don’t know why people are choosing paths let alone what I’m supposed to want in a path or what I desire along the journey or even the end goal of that path.
It’s so so weird, but I’m still here (a great reminder in a comment from
). I had some lovely comments on the first installment of my Coffee Date Digest, including this reminder as well:“There are a ton of things to learn, not only of ourselves but what keys others may have for us, and us for them.” -
There’s so much to sample and respond to in life! Just gotta show up for it when ya can.
Now, onto this week’s three!
Thing One: It’s summer food season!
I have finally found the perfect season to get nectarines from the grocery store (at least here in Indiana/the Midwest)!
Last week of June, first week of July at the latest. This is the third time in my life I’ve bought nectarines within this timeframe pattern (thanks to an old IG account and Google Photos) and have gotten juicy, sweet nectarines each time!
I think they’re my favorite fruits, so I’m glad to have finally found the perfect window to buy them (the first time was a Trader Joe’s crate, then the last two times were the organic white nectarines sold at our local Kroger).
Also got some sweet, juicy corn with tender skin that’s out now, too! I love fresh corn. I like:
Buttering it and adding a little lemon pepper on the cob
Eating it as elote in a cup when I cut it off the cob
Added to a Trader Joe’s’ Sweet Corn Burrata Basil Ravioli (in this recipe, specifically!)
Corn pudding
Fried corn
And I’m sure there’s more! This is just off the top of my head. :)
I also was inspired by
’s rib recipe (but much sweeter) and although dad couldn’t find plain ribs this time around for me to put our favorite Big Daddy rib rub on (I won an impromptu “rib-off” a few years ago during the 4th of July using that rub!), I used what we had and dipped the BBQ’d meat in a brown sugar, apple cider vinegar, red pepper flakes, spicy-sweet mustard “dip” that was SO good! Cuts through the fatty saltiness of the meat!Yum…
Thing Two: Trudging through victim mentality
Speaking of the Self-Love Fix podcast, I was listening to it this week and Beatrice was asking us: “Is your approach to personal development ENHANCING or WORSENING your quality of life?”
Beatrice has a gift for teaching in a nonjudgemental and empowering way that really finds real-life examples and ways to make points hit home. She’s also gone through everything she teaches (and provides pretty specific examples of ways she’s grown on her own personal development journey).
“I wanted to find out every texture and layer of how I was living so I could transcend it.”
“There was a time where trauma work was my deepest level of work and my greatest focus. But I did not enter trauma work, or even somatic work so that I could stay in that frequency forever and ever amen. I did not do trauma work or recover from co-dependency and narcissistic abuse so that my entire life’s theme could be, ‘Beatrice is the girl who is/was co-dependent, and is the girl who was raised in such-and-such way. Or experienced such-and-such thing growing up.… Is that all you want for your life? That you’re just consumed by trauma work or ego work or whatever? Or do you wanna live?”
“Personal development is not the number one thing on my mind but there was a time where it was and it made sense because I was heavily focused on it because I wanted to transcend it. Not because I wanted to remain in that state. I live my life now!”
I’ve brought that up briefly in my newsletter before. I don’t want this to become a place (or my identity) where I’m the chick who’s constantly processing the death of her mother. Constantly trying to heal and find her footing and marginally make sense of life.
And though I’m uncomfortable to be still processing that, it’s truly where I’m at right now. Everything I’ve learned over the years to grow and become better has nearly completely wiped my mind so I’m actively refreshing myself in a much deeper way than I ever could while I was caregiving…
And I’m learning to let that be okay.
I’ll just make sure I don’t overstay my welcome in this chapter; I don’t want this to become me soaking in victimhood…
I think I’m ready for the more empowered side of things. It looks lovely on that side and I want to experience it. I just won’t take shortcuts to get there.
But I am ready for change.
Thing Three: Sharing my second comic!
I posted my second comic on Instagram! Got a bit more engagement so that made me happy.
I’ll share it here picture by picture rather than the link because it shows up a bit wonky on Substack.
I’d love to hear what you think of this one! All my drawings feel simple and again, not 100% happy with them but I plan to continue to show up and improve.
Well, that’s it for this week! I hope you have a lovely weekend, and I’ll see ya soon. :)
If I say only one thing, it's this. Go. To. Japan. The once in a lifetime trip will recenter you in the world like nothing else can.
My once in a lifetime trip (so far) was to Australia for two glorious weeks. If you find your way to Japan, though, I might have to smuggle myself in your luggage. 😉
Glad you're creating space for yourself, Cierra--it's exciting! But about your therapy; I would do first floor! Also, why do I want to cook something after your post?! Thanks for sharing, yes to the cartoons!