Friday Reflection #20: This isn't it.

Updates, hellos, and (temporary) goodbyes.

Downtown Chicago, no filter.

Helloooooo!!

Long time no see! :)

I have one foot in, and one foot out when it comes to returning to Substack:

• Friday Reflections are back on! But in a slightly different way (just the formatting).¹

• Those will tentatively be all I’ll post for now. The rest of the month I’ll be preparing for next month, which will be a whole new schedule (and more intentionally executed)!

•  Losing Orbit will also be getting a rebrand with its name, about page, etc. along the way.

And no worries, I’ll be sure to send out an update post with all the updates and why they’re happening before everything’s in motion next month.

In other news, I came back from a trip to Chicago last week where I saw and met family from my dad’s side, and we spent three of those days staying downtown (yum, Double Tree Hotel cookies) walking everywhere, and seeing so many things!

This week, dad’s been out of town which has given me time to recharge and have some peaceful alone time.

And tomorrow my family’s celebrating my birthday (I’ll be turning 32 on August 7th)! We’re going out to eat and then archery. I remember enjoying archery back in middle school during a camping trip and now’s the time to see if I still enjoy it.

Anyway, it’s been a nice hiatus. My therapist told me yesterday that I’ve improved a lot since she first met me; that was reassuring to hear. :)

I also got coached in the program I’m in yesterday and I’m learning A LOT about myself and the… post-mom issues, let’s say… I’m working through.

I really struggle on a functioning level to really be present with rest at times when “it isn’t justified.” Which is total BS, but what my mind is telling me.

It feels so freakin’ hard to work through; I dunno how I’ll get to the other side of so many complications, but I’m willing to try.

I’m tired just thinking about it, but it’s okay. I have time to dive in and revisit later. Maybe even this weekend after my birthday outing with my family.

Now, onto my share for the week.

Just in case you skimmed past the never changing intro to this series, I’ve decided to share just one thing each week rather than three! 

My hiatus has been an absolute blur in the mindful department. I’m not really interested in sharing anything too shallow like my love of Double Tree Hotel cookies (again), or getting two more nano block kits while in Chicago…

So can I just share a vulnerable thought?

I truly don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m scared of the future.

Despite being in such a blessed position and being surrounded by love and safety, I’m feeling like I’m mentally trying to stay afloat.

I think I’ll stop there for now; I really wanted to write something this week but this truly doesn’t feel right… Maybe I’m not quite ready to come back to Substack yet?

Maybe Friday Reflections will return next month (rather than again next week), too.²

If anything, I’ll see you in the Chat streets until I’m feeling more clearheaded and confident.

Let me know in the comments: What’s something you wish there was a book or pamphlet for when it comes to navigating the world?

I really wish there was a step-by-step guide that could teach me how to calm down so I could make more sound decisions day-to-day.

Until next time.

Warmly,
Cierra M.

1. Okay so I started this Friday Reflection with the intention that I’d be returning, but the more I wrote and the more therapy and coaching I received this week, the less confident I am about returning to even Friday Reflections. I mention it later in this reflection but in case you didn’t get that far: I may not be back posting until September—we’ll see!

2. I came back to add this caveat less than 30 minutes before this post was sent to you, but I tentatively expect to return in September. No promises! I realized this is a pattern I play out pretty often. I give myself deadlines with the intention of soothing those around me (a kind of people-pleasing I suppose) rather than using a deadline to pressure myself into showing up to what I wanna work toward. I don’t NEED the pressure of a deadline to show up. I want to show up. I’m just gonna stop conditioning myself to create unnecessary pressure in order to feel like I’m soothing others, so I can therefore feel soothed myself because I’ve put my ASSUMPTIONS about what others expect from me before my own needs. Wow. This could’ve been a whole journal entry. My apologies for spewing!