Friday Reflections #12: A surprise, new personal boundaries, and foodie finds

A surprise you get first, and some REAL self-exploration this week

Welcome to Friday Reflections! A weekly newsletter sharing 3 thoughts and things I loved and learned from the week as I navigate learning how to create a life I’m nourished by, and thriving in, without my mom (or caregiving for her).

Even when things are turned upside down, it could be the new perspective you always needed.

I woke up Tuesday in an anxiety-fueled rush.

It was my deep-rooted reaction to dad’s daydreamy talk on Monday about what was possible for my life if I got a full-time job in the company he works for.

In my situation, I could pay off all my student loans in no time.

I’d be covered handsomely by all the types of insurance and benefits I could ever need.

I’d have a great retirement fund my for future.

And I’d be working for a company with a great employee culture and ethics I’ve seen first-hand.

Dad was just making the “calculations” in his head; his eyes turned upward and smiling at the safety and possibilities I could have whenever I’m ready to start job hunting.

I, on the other hand, started spiraling.

I didn’t know if I’d even like working at his company. How quickly drained I get needing to be “on” most of my day and doing things I didn’t like doing… I know people do it all the time–work full-time, tend to a family, and then work on their side business or passion project–but shouldn’t I take advantage of the fact that I don’t have to right now?

See where–for the first time ever–life could take me if I went all in after something I loved doing?

I’m giving myself (I guess?) a full calendar year to see if I can get something to work.

My dad didn’t mean any harm, and even reassured me that though he’d like me to be financially set with such an opportunity, he isn’t pushing or forcing anything.

But it still made me wake up running the next morning.

I got up at least half an hour earlier, subtly anxious about not having enough time to “succeed.”

The excitement I’ve had for a couple of weeks now to return to my old mailing list and Instagram to celebrate my Substack still overshadowed my anxiety about what’s logically possible for my future, but I couldn’t ignore that that same anxiety now drove me to those platforms instead.

I’m really loving what I’m doing. I’m really loving what I’ve been getting into. But doubt has started to creep into my mind as I wonder if it really is possible for me, to make a living off creative works.

I’m planning to talk to my business coaches today (Tuesday as of writing this part), so I’ll see if they can help me calm down and see a bigger perspective.¹

I’ve also been getting community emails from Simone Grace Seol; I fell in love with her work and how she shows up for people ever since I found her right before leaving Instagram.

She tore down her old offering and started something evolved at the same price, and I. Want. IN.

Knowing she detests urgency marketing, I’m gratefully holding back on diving in to invest until I learn how much therapy costs out-of-pocket.²

It’s only Tuesday but what I’m feeling is pretty prominent. We’ll see what the rest of the week brings.

AH! Ultimately, it’s been an energizing week! I’m pretty pumped to announce what’s to come, and I’m telling you first, first:

Firstly, I’m offering a celebration deal for anyone who wants to become a paid subscriber!³

What are we celebrating, you may ask? I’ll tell you in just a second, but the deal is 20% off FOREVER. However long you subscribe? That’s how long you’ll get the deal. And I’m only offering it until June 10th (my little brother’s birthday!).

Below is the button to check out the deal, and the explanation for this news!

The second bit of news: I’m returning to Instagram (June 5th), and updating my abandoned mailing list (tomorrow)!

I’ll be talking a bit about how I’m preparing to return to Instagram later in this Reflection, but I plan to do so in a MUCH different way than I did in the past.

I’m actually excited to show up exactly how I want, which is in a super fun way!

I just wanna see what happens when I really, truly show up on the platform unapologetically and not questioning how I write my bio, or create content there.

And I miss creating IG stories; I always feel like even those are too mundane and casual for Substack’s Notes.

But yeah! That’s what’s been going on over here, and you’re getting the news about the discount a day before my abandoned mailing list, and over a week before Instagram will.

Yaaay!

Now onto the three things this week.

Thing One: Driving again

I drove for the first time in around two months this week. The confidence I used to have while I was learning before mom died had completely diminished as is, but an incident the last time I drove kept me from getting behind the wheel for a long, long time.

And I’ve been pretty ashamed of myself for it!

I was afraid it’d happen again, so I just avoided it completely… But I’d be so mad at myself! Grandma hinted at wanting to go out together. I want to take my grandma out to lunch and everything!

I want to be able to drive myself to get whatever tattoos I decide on someday. I wanna be able to drive to the library, a cafe, the farmer’s market…

I want to be able to drive myself around but have always had absolutely NO sense of direction.⁴

Dad wanted me to learn how to get around without a GPS at first so I could independently navigate on my own, so he was VERY confused as to why I didn’t know how to get to places we’ve been thousands of times…

And I just can’t… feel where I’m supposed to go? I don’t understand how people can orient themselves in any given situation. It’s literally a step-by-step process for me when I drive and I need to be actively involved dozens and dozens of times before a route becomes familiar (notice I said ROUTE… take me off that route and I’m lost again).

So I tried the GPS on my phone this last driving session and the volume just randomly muted every. time. I drove, so I had to keep glancing at the GPS. Luckily my watch also vibrates when it’s time for me to turn, but even with ALL of that? I still question if I’m driving right.

It’ll tell me which direction I’m supposed to go, and when of course… But I’ll still sit there and ask my dad, “Left? Right now??”

I’ll get there. I’ll find a way that works for me… I’ve just gotta keep trying.

Thing Two: Learning how to set personal boundaries

As I mentioned earlier in this Friday Reflection, I’ll be returning to Instagram on June 5th!

And for that, and within life itself, I’m learning how to set more personal boundaries for myself.

So far that’s included:

• Starting to cook and eat dinner between 8:30 and 9pm.

• Stopping work by 7, 7:30pm at the latest and telling myself it is exactly enough.

• Going to bed by around 12, 12:45am.

• Getting out of bed before 8:30am, preferably 8am.

It’s been rocky, but I can tell how it benefits me when I do follow these loose-ish boundaries. Like eating dinner earlier actually makes me hungry for an earlier lunch (where I eat between 12pm and 2pm rather than… freakin’ 4 or 5pm). Which then makes me not eat dinner at 11pm! 🙃

But I’m planning on setting some other boundaries when I return to Instagram, including setting intentions with how I show up on the platform.

I’m gonna take a deep look at my core values and how I embody them, I will look at my affirmation cards and vision board multiple times per week… If it gets serious enough, I’ll be investing in a repurposing app to be as hands-off and efficient as possible with any less prioritized platforms (aka anything that isn’t Substack).

If you’re (still) on Instagram, you can follow me there (and I’ll try to remember to change the link on here when the time comes… I still don’t have the app on my phone but I’m changing the name and EVERYTHING before June 5th!).

Thing Three: Running to Reddit for parental support

While reading a subreddit about an excited young woman who shared the news about getting a part-time job she was super excited about to family that didn’t care, someone in the comments mentioned that there are subreddits with supportive, nonjudgmental parental figures

And in case anyone is ever looking for that type of support, I linked where you can find a mom for a minute, or even a dad (they’ll call ya, “kiddo” a lot!).

BONUS One: This podcast episode

The Active Voice: Suleika Jaouad and Yung Pueblo are creating to live

This was a nourishing listen about creating community and a creative outlet during troubling times and the nuances through it all. This would have to be my second favorite interview I listened to from the

Substack Reads

series.

There were very interesting questions answered, and I could really relate to being trapped in a situation as I watched the world fly by (though not as directly or as intensely).

It was just a great listen, and I hope you take some time to listen to

Suleika Jaouad

’s and

Yung Pueblo

’s interview!

BONUS Two: Can I rave about food for a second?

Once in 2021, I got particularly sick in a way where I couldn’t smell or taste anything (it wasn’t COVID). I knew I loved food, but it was truly solidified the day I teared up when I could finally smell the lemon and rosemary I was cutting.

During that sense-halting illness, I noticed how important food was to me because I was absolutely struggling to find a motivation for my days.

I realized I looked forward to fixing something yummy for dinner, or having a delicious snack to look forward to each and every day.

And without being able to taste or even smell anything I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I was even here?!

Luckily (thank GOD) those days are long behind me. And after a trip to Trader Joe’s for the first time in months… I was really excited to share some snacks I’ve been loving this week as I gradually nibble through my haul.

ONE: Patio Potato Chips

Apparently a favorite at Trader Joe’s (according to r/traderjoes)! I never heard of them or noticed them before but learning that it was a mixed bag of ridged BBQ chips, ketchup chips, dill chips, and salt and vinegar chips…

I had to have them.

If you ever had All Dressed potato chips, they’re pretty similar… You get the sweetness from the BBQ and ketchup chips, the tang from the salt and vinegar…

But there’s a distinct dilly flavor that graces almost every chip. And I LOVE dill (and don’t like dill pickles interestingly enough!)!

I’d suggest eating them with something on your stomach, or else you’ll curdle your insides. And this is coming from someone who owns at least five different types of vinegar.

TWO: Haitai Honey Butter Potato Chips

These aren’t from Trader Joe’s, but dangit they are good.

I had them back in 2016 when I went to Korea and at first, they reminded me of sour cream and onion, but literally by the second chip, I’m hooked!

They’re delicate for a chip and I love that! I have a regular-sized can of Pringles that has chips that shatter they’re so hard! The one’s I’m finishing up from the snack packs mom and I were eating tasted so good and much more delicate!

Is it just me? Cause I notice this with more than Pringles. Small bags of Cheez-Its are better than the big box, (original) mini Reese’s taste better than the normal-sized ones…

Am I alone in this? Size does matter (with food)! Right? Right?! Let me know.

Anyway, these chips are mouthwatering to me. They’re sweet and buttery and just have this distinct flavor I am addicted to.

These, and another type of chip from Korea have been so hard for me to find, but I’m constantly on a mission trying to hunt them down (2023 is the first year I’ve found both since my trip to Korea in 2016).

Our newest international grocery store has them both now! BUT, the other chip I linked I’ve only ever seen one random bag stuffed in the overstocked chip aisle… And it’s happened TWICE. I don’t know where the random ONE bag comes from and it drives me mad! Such a mysterious tease that plays with my tastebuds’ emotions.

THREE: Perfectly Pickled Pups

These are pretty good! Again, vinegary! Not a lot comes in a pack and the breading packs a punch but it’s a good treat to have with other food to neutralize said punch.

And the little weiners inside are really good! Beefy, juicy, and well-seasoned without being too salty.

FOUR: Just the Clusters Vanilla Almond Granola

Sometimes I’m more of a purist when it comes to food, so I wanted a simple crunchy vanilla granola to have with some yogurt, and these clusters hit the spot!

Sweet and vanilla-y, crispy crunchy… Perfect!

Now to find the perfect yogurt to go with it…

(Pssst! I’m looking for a good plain greek or normal yogurt that’s smooth and mild-tasting. Not too sour! Any recommendations would really be appreciated!)

Welp that’s it for this week!

I’m gonna try to get as much writing done as I can today because it’s Memorial Day weekend here in the States, and I’m gonna be in the kitchen a lot!

Blueberry cobbler, mac and cheese… I’ve still gotta zest up the vegan pesto I got from Trader Joe’s and I also need to make some cornbread…

And my HelloFresh meals from last week…

… Wish me luck! And see ya next week. :)

P.S. - One last thing, I think I am gonna make my Stardew posts bi-weekly. It’ll create just enough wiggle room when things pop up (like a dead battery, lots of cooking, or quality time with family). So you’ll get the next one on June 5th!

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And don’t forget! Until June 10th I’m gonna be offering a 20% forever discount celebrating the next step of showing my Substack newsletter off to the world! If you’re able, grab it while you can! :)

1. I talked to my coach and she really helped me calm down! She told me to say to myself, “I am never in a rush in ANY aspect of my life.” She reminded me that I make moves based on when I’m confidently right about them, and to work on trusting myself and my decisions. Gave me all the love in the world while we talked, just ahhhh… I appreciate both of them, and the community, so much. It’s the end of Wednesday when I’m writing this update and I’m back to being excited about the future again! :)

2. Once my ten free sessions are over, I don’t think I’ll want to stop therapy. I really like her and don’t wanna lose her! But people stop therapy all the time when they’re doing better, right? I’m only three sessions in and said I’d give my left kidney to keep her, but we’ll see if I’m just clinging onto her by session 10 or if I’ve gotten everything I could possibly need from her and can move on with a better headspace. Gosh, that’s scary to think of! Going therapy-less! AH! I’ve waited nearly two DECADES to get therapy! But maybe I’m more healed and capable of becoming better than I understand or realize. We’ll see. Only time will tell.

3. Once again, always and forever, don’t feel pressured to become a paid subscriber! I appreciate everyone that enjoys my work and leaves comments and feedback! This is just all part of the process toward working on creating an income from this work so I can keep doing more of it, all the time forever and ever amen… But NEVER feel pressured to do it if you can’t. I always appreciate a good share as well! :)

4. I’ve never looked into how to improve a poor sense of direction until writing this Friday Reflection, and oh my gosh when I read this article? THIS IS ME!! I’ve never been diagnosed, but my God… It’s ME! Now I’ll have to figure out how to navigate it best.