Friday Reflections #5: A Shaky Start
Sulking, shopping woes, Human Design comforts.
The day after March’s last Friday Reflections, I set an intention to spend April just prioritizing play.
In my mind, I wanna find something I enjoy and can maybe document my progression.
Kinda like Pickleball Guy. I love that he loved something SO. MUCH. that he wanted to become amazing at it, and his love for it fueled him to keep going.
I love seeing people really dive deep into their loves, like Brown and Bendy and her love for being a yogi and teacher.
I wanna have that!
But I’m still feeling this life reset HARD, so the week wasn’t as productive as I would’ve hoped.
I didn’t even try working on anything I felt I may be interested in investing my time in except my personal essay writing (which involves way more work than I realized!).
Human Design is coming in HOT with the possible validation?!
Also at the very beginning of the week, I was conflicted between keeping to myself, and getting back on a platform to share my journey.
But I’m thinking these reflection newsletters may be something I want to stick to, and could be something more people would actually appreciate reading.
I enjoy writing these more self-indulgent newsletters when I hermit away (profile line 2)1, resurface to share what I learned (my ⅖ profile altogether), and I actually learned that someone in a Facebook group would actually wanna read writings from someone who’s trying to figure their life out(!!!).
So yeah, validating!
I also looked into my incarnation cross2, and frustratingly/luckily, there was a lot around finding your direction.
Even though, yes, losing my mom was a VERY life-altering thing that has thrown me off my firey path of certainty I was excited to go down… I have the ability to choose to look at it through the perspective that I’m meant to be in the depths of finding my direction.
So I’d rather look at this aimlessness through that empowering lens rather than staying stuck feeling aimless like it doesn’t have a purpose (I’ll look at it as recalibration from now on!).
Human Design has been such a foundational part of change in my life when it comes to trusting myself and my decisions or understanding why I function the way I do. I just had to give myself time to return to it, because most of this time I just wasn’t feeling anything, ya know?
I bought this amazing book on incarnation crosses (not an affiliate link) for when I do HD readings, and when I re-read my own, this excerpt stuck out to me:
“As a creation and direction-oriented Cross, the shadow periods for Sphinxes3 are devoid of creative juice, disoriented, and lost. In these shadow periods, it is as though the path I was enthusiastically following suddenly disappears like smoke in the wind. These periods can feel awful. The warmth and security of my inner compass becomes like a broken instrument that has led me to a dead end. In hindsight, all of these disorientation periods have eventually dispersed like the lifting of a heavy fog. Once I have my bearings again I can see that the dark, void, empty space I was lost in had spun me around onto my next path.” Incarnation Cross: A Guidebook of Purpose Archetypes from Human Design and the Gene Keys by Brynja Magnusson
Just reading that was a big exhale and a reminder that everything will be alright. I’ve just gotta trust the process. I really needed that since I fell down the anxious spiral more than once this week of needing to know how the heck my life would ever make any sense and be able to sustain me.
So, I need to stop fighting my gravitation toward things that make me happy and interest me without questioning how they can logically lead me to anything valuable. GOODNESS…
I even made a sheet to analyze how I feel about the things I dabble in! Haven’t filled it out yet, but… it’ll happen.
Quicker week’s update
Alright, I’m gonna try something. I don’t want these reflection newsletters as long so I’ll try to make other updates shorter.
So I got my advance copy of Tough Titties by Laura Belgray! I get to read it before it comes out in June, and I’m enjoying it so far. I’ve barely started so I’ll share more about it when I get further into it.
Wednesday was overwhelming. I think grief-filled days come for me in a heavy, internally achy, whimpering hiccup-y kinda way where I just can’t focus on anything. I think those are my “symptoms” when grief days hit.
And had the nerve to hit on the day I needed to shop for the last of my cruise things!
I’ve learned that I’m not a shopper; I couldn’t wait until I was done. I had to mainly get travel-sized things cause I haven’t gone somewhere on a trip trip since South Korea the summer of 2016.
Running around trying to make sense of the outfits I needed to try to put together gave me a headache and made me wish my mom was there to help.
While I was desperately looking for swim shorts I remembered how mom and I found some white jeans for my trip to Korea. She loved planning and making things pretty and all the stuff I had no interest in.
I ended up getting a headache trying to figure all this out on my own (even though I made a list and watched YouTube videos and read forums). Grateful that it got done! But still…
Miss her, ya know? Miss her touch (cause I sure as hell don’t have it, and have even lost my will to understand why I should care about my looks and such in the process of all of this).
…This was still pretty long. I think I may play with trying to write about essentially ONE thing for the reflection newsletters, and put the rest in a podcast diary behind a paywall.
I dunno, we’ll see. These are kinda becoming a pain to write I think only because I don’t have a structure that’s enjoyable to consume yet.
Possible new publishing schedule
With how I’m writing now, I’m planning to shift my publishing schedule a little (subject to change):
Essay Tuesday (bi-weekly for now cause I’m learning how to be more intentional with creating a fluid story for you as a reader, and it’s a lot!)
Friday Reflections (every week), working to make them shorter. Or a different format? I dunno yet but I’m not happy with the current process.
Okay, that’s it! I won’t keep you. This week wasn’t too eventful and I had some weepy despair-y moments but I choose to still be here and try.
That’s all I can ask from myself, yeah?
Yeah.
Your profile shares the extra flavor of your behaviors and personality that makes up your design
An incarnation cross in Human Design is our life’s theme once you’ve come into alignment living out the other parts of your design.
My incarnation cross is Right Angle Cross of the Sphinx, just FYI. Yours could vary and be one of 768 different variations!