Friday Reflections Week 1: The Start of Something New
Tears, courses, and guilty privileges
Happy Friday!
I’m currently sitting in my cave of a room trying to create ritual and ~ambiance~ with the curtains closed, a candle lit, and coffee shop jazz playing.
Like I mentioned earlier, this is the first Friday Reflection of my month of explorative mindfulness as I try to learn who the heck I am and why the bloody hell I’m here on this earth! :D
I’ve been a bit existential and despair-y since mom died, and I took the pressure to get “back on a productive track” to an unhealthy level. So I slowly worked on easing up on myself and the mindset I held, and am trying something completely different and uncomfortable (at first) for me.
And that discomfort is in sitting still, being patient, not filling my mind with “what will ___ think of me not having a path or “doing anything” yet?!”
I lost my MOM, self! Cut me some slack, me!
So I am.
So here’s five things I’ve learned and experienced through my first week of a more mindful existence.
ONE: So I cried watching a vlog this past Sunday…
There’s a course I mention later in this list (I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it before) that I’m working through to find out what really matters to me. And while I was working on an exercise, I was catching up on old Sundai Love vlogs.
Sundai Love is a young black woman living in Japan, and she’s busy, funny, and puts a lot of love into what she films and edits.
So, when and why did the tears come?
I was watching this vlog where she came back to the states to get things done and visit family and friends. And while I was working on one of the exercises from the course that wanted to know what you thought you wanted and WHY you thought you wanted it, I wrote about an email marketer I admire because she has a legit community as she shares mundane life stories. She’s able to sell her things, and just sell the stories she tells in such an engaging way…
And I want that. I want a community that interacts with me and trusts me (not to be manipulated, but because I miss 2012’s blogging era) and…
As soon as I realized how strong my desire for that type of community was… I saw Sundai reconnect with an older friend she met at the nail shop.
And she was so sweet!
She remembered some of Sundai’s mentioning things she liked in passing like a ring, anime shows, and colors she liked, and collected tons of gifts until they met again!
HOW. PRECIOUS. IS. THAT?!
I specifically remember saying through a tearfully strained voice, “I want that…”1
Cause then I remembered just how many wonderful people Sundai has in her life, and how she lives in Japan. How my life is so free now… Maybe someday I can live in Japan too? The amount of possibilities for my life and the kind of people I can meet and the places I could go overwhelmed me for the first time in a positive way, and made me cry.
TWO: Talking to new people is weird
I met someone new this past weekend–a mutual–and it was… okay! Kinda awkward.
Is that how meeting new people goes? Sometimes you just naturally hit it off, and other times it needs some coaxing, and other times it’s just kinda like… nah?
I hear forming adult friendships is hard anyway. So I’d imagine even going to meetups and such may still be awkward cause you still don’t know anyone.
Oh, I’m an introvert anyway, so I usually love just staying to myself. Does that play a part in the awkwardness of meeting new people as well?
I dunno, but it’s been interesting.
THREE: Hmmmm… One more (I PROMISE) name change MAY be on the horizon…
Here’s why: I thought losing my mom would engulf my world, but I’m slowly moving into a new phase of life where losing her is more so folded into my current and future experiences of life. (Like this illustration beautifully points out.)
I still feel pretty lost. I’ve still lost my orbit… But I dunno if I want that to be my identity. Me, lost in space… never finding my footing from losing my orbit.
We should definitely still talk about the wild rollercoaster that is “figuring life out” or simply the work it can take to appreciate life and feel better about some aspects of it, but it doesn’t really feel to me like the name fits anymore.
I have another name in mind, and I’m still playing with some ideas of theories and possibilities...
It feels flakey, but I hope you’ll understand given the circumstances.
But nothing’s set in stone! This is my explorative period after all. :)
FOUR: This course–so far–is making me excited for life again!
So, same course. Now I’m just ready to talk about it cause I’m deep enough in it.
It’s exactly what I needed.
Sometimes you need a little step-by-step guidance, or a new perspective. And that’s pretty much what Live with Intention gives me.2
Coming back into the fiery passionate online business world filled with momentum toward transformation felt so wrong for me at this time in my life.
I have two wonderful business coaches, but I am NOWHERE NEAR ready to dive back into that world.
Like I said, I don’t even know why the heck I’m here anymore! Let alone am I ready to sell anything or coach or do Human Design readings again. Just not ready for that right now.
I need to learn more about myself right now. Experience life and iron some things out.
And that’s just what this course has been for me. A slowing down. A pause. A deeper look at what I need right now, before I can fully serve a single soul as fully as I want to.
And it’s been great so far!
I’m at a part of the course where I’m finally feeling excited to be alive again. I realized I needed help stopping the pressure I was putting on myself, and this course has been perfect for doing just that so far.
FIVE: My Saturn Return is OVER
As of March 7th, my Saturn Return is over! Now I’m not a huge follower of astrology, but when I learned about Saturn Returns, it felt fitting.
In a brief nutshell, Saturn Returns happen every ~29-30 years where Saturn returns to the exact spot it was at on your natal chart at birth.
And that placement brings about a lot of life lessons and change.
You can have around 2-3 happen in your life, and your first one pushes you into big life changes and into learning how to embrace adulthood more, more responsibilities… it’s like the tough but loving coach or parent.
I was confused for a long time as to whether or not I was still in my Saturn Return until mine was starting to come to a close and people were posting about the next one coming (Saturn in Pisces).
That’s when I realized my Saturn Return included losing my mom (NOT a requirement to lose someone, I promise), and that’s brought about a lot of life shifts and changes for me. I’ve felt like I’ve taken on a new role from a kid living in the shadow of her mom as her caregiver, trying to make something happen for her life… to now being seen as an adult.
My mom’s not on my butt anymore about when to do things. I need to decide so much now.
It’s just an observation of the change, definitely not a complaint. I’m quite blessed to be in the situation I’m in!
But boy, was the last year with mom a tough one. What a way to end my Saturn Return.
BONUS: “If money wasn’t an option” guilt…
You know when people say, “If money wasn’t an obstacle, what would you do?” when others ask what are they meant to do in life?
I’ve realized recently that that’s exactly the position I’m in (with the exception of things like international travel and such) and I’ve felt pretty guilty about that blessed privilege.
But I’m gonna be honest with myself and say that it finally hit me as a good thing a few days ago.
I’ve been in a position where I desperately wanted to show everyone that you could both enjoy your life and work, do more of what you please, and make a consistent self-sustaining income.
And that desperation when trying to sell was very prominent, haha.
But I’m not in that position anymore (in this present moment) where I feel like I have no control over my life because our life is crumbling and someone else has control of the finances.
Granted, those “gotta keep myself safe just in case!!!) alarm bells still ring inside me, and I’ve sloooooowly been silencing them so I can really take in this present moment of truly figuring out what I would wanna do if money wasn’t an obstacle.
Cause right now that’s my reality.
With that, comes not needing to sell anything right away. I can share things I love without worrying about affiliates too much. I can build a platform and not worry about the money right away and just let my joy in the process shine through, and that’s a serious blessing I’ve been given.
And I won’t take it for granted.
Thank you so much for reading! Here’s a TL;DR.
I really appreciate you being here!
Totally understand if this was too much to take in, so here’s a little TL;DR:
It’s my first Friday Reflection during my month of gentle self-exploring! Yay!
A desire for an engaging community and an abundant life made me cry watching this vlog.
Talking to new people is weird and awkward. That’s it. That’s the bullet point.
I’m deeper into this course that’s the gentle step back I needed from the hustle and momentum-filled online business world and I’m loving it!
My Saturn Return ended March 7th and it consisted of my mom’s death and major life role shifts as expected (not the death, the new step in life).
I’m currently living a life where I can ask myself “if money wasn’t an issue, what would you do?” and honestly figure it out! Felt pretty guilty about the privilege but am now so grateful to be able to function and navigate life without a desperate energy around me.
Thanks again for reading, and I’ll see you next week!
Don’t get it twisted! I have amazing friends in my life and I’m grateful for all of those who have reached out to me over the years and when my mom passed. I’m so blessed and grateful for the people I have in my life that actually give a hoot.
I wanna quickly add that nothing I link to in this post are affiliate links or anything like that. I’d let you know if there was any compensation for me attached to anything.