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What was happening?!
Writing is such a big part of my life, so to be told by anyone that my writing impacts them in any way is such a blessing.
So imagine my shock when Toby rattles off–all on his own–some reasons why he enjoyed my writing in a Facebook group as a former stranger.
It felt like the ball was in my court. Like I had another chance with him.
But did I even want that when he already chose earlier to drop our date?
If nothing else, I at least wanted to lay everything out on the table with him. Especially when attraction was brought up by him in his new string of messages.
I was honest and told him it was hurtful that he canceled the date without giving me a chance to explain who I was. He told me how bad he felt about it, explaining how new he was to the dating scene after his relationship of over half a decade ended.
We messaged back and forth a few times before exchanging numbers. It was getting late, so we decided to talk openly on the phone the next day about what to do next.
Our conversation may have been over for the night, but my mind was wide awake, wondering what to do with this situation.
What was the situation I was even in?
I wasn’t officially with anyone, no, but I had been throwing questions toward Peter–the date that didn’t flinch at me telling him I was asexual, because he apparently could relate. One of them asking about his dating routine:
“I date one woman at a time. I tend to get a feel for someone before asking them out, but when I do, I’m intentional. I know what I like and dislike. I know I’m ready for a relationship, and someday want to get married! Everyone moves at their own pace, and I typically ask to be official by the second or third date.”1
Two to three dates…
Aside from being impressed with how intentional and self-aware he seemed to be, I was also taken aback by how quickly he could read a date to ask them about being official.
It wasn’t in a desperate way. He told me the information matter-of-factly, but also in a way that expressed how aware he was that people are all different, and that was just his track record.
But with that track record in mind, I was somewhat on a timeline!
I didn’t know if I really liked Peter romantically, and was pretty sure my mood was off during our first and only date. But date number two was happening about a week out. By then I’d be further detached from the letdown I experienced only a day before I had my first date with him. In theory, I felt that would help me gauge my feelings toward him more clearly.
On the other hand, in just a day I’d be talking on the phone with Toby–the guy who gave me sparks and butterflies. I’d get to “recover” from my childhood trigger of not being heard when telling loved ones who I was!
But should I tell him about the date I’d be going on in about a week? Would that be perceived as conceited? I was aware that you don’t talk to dates about other dates, but this truly felt like an exception.
Overall I didn’t have high hopes that Toby and I would continue down a romantic path realistically. I was just eager to have a chance to tell him about myself! He was a really cool guy, and I was hoping he’d be okay with a genuine friendship instead.
Him stumbling onto my posts he’s admired for so long after going on a date with me felt like a fated moment, so I wasn’t sure how I was going to “let him down” (bleh).
But I knew I needed to tell him about my first second date coming up, and how I could possibly be off the market in the very near future.
I just wished it felt more certain about what was to come of that second date.
I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do, but I decided that the next day, I’d tell him during the phone call that I was potentially talking to someone.
Ring ring!
I looked at my phone and saw Toby’s name, and with a deep exhale I picked up.
Again, I don’t remember a lot of this conversation. It was a phone call so it wasn’t recorded of course. But what I do remember is how nervous I was to bring up Peter and my second date coming up.
I felt this restricted feeling throughout my whole body: my throat, my chest, and the tension in my muscles. I could hear my voice shake as I spoke about someone else being in the picture.
And to not… get his hopes up? That’s what it felt like I was telling him.
To my core, I felt like I was saying, “Hey just a head’s up in case you’re wanting to try this again romantically… I may be snatched up soon. Didn’t wanna get your hopes up and shatter your heart!”
BARF. GAG. BLEH.
But we talked first about the asexuality thing, and I remember it going well. That made me more nervous to bring up another person/date to him.
But I did it. Shakey voice and all.
And… He was fine with it! He told me he absolutely understood and appreciated it after the way he handled things.
So overall, it was fine! He was okay with at least being friends, and with me checking back in after my date to let him know what was up.
I was proud of myself for pushing through the discomfort of assuming I’d be perceived a certain way. Of coming to a conclusion I stood behind and followed through on (especially when I couldn’t find a resolution through trusty Reddit or Quora).
Of trusting that my intention was enough, no matter how it would be taken. And luckily, it went well.
But the biggest takeaway was that whether it did or not? Despite the immense discomfort of it all, it wouldn’t kill me in the end.
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This is all paraphrased because I’m too lazy to redownload a dating app to find messages I forgot to screenshot, but this is the gist of what he told me.