In search of a sexless relationship
6
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“What’s made the headlines recently?” My therapist asks me.
I chuckle and say, “Having my first kiss in at least a decade!”
She smiles and clarifies: “I meant in the news news. Tell me something major that’s happened recently.”
I laugh at how humiliating my misinterpretation would’ve been in any situation other than the safety of my therapist’s office, and go on to tell her about the first parent who was held responsible for their son’s shooting.
I was ravenous for interaction.
In my session, I filled my therapist in on my earlier blurt about my first kiss, and how I was starting to feel lonely and unfulfilled.
As I thought (and naively hoped otherwise), I didn’t hear from my date anymore, and just wanted to experience another speed dating event I felt comfortable enough to drive to. I wanted to interact with people and feel like I was alive and experiencing life, even if it had to be through proximity for a while.
Luckily, my good friend who was using the same dating app I was, came across my profile and gave me some tips to improve it.
And I’d say they were necessary actually! Mentioning that my mom was dead and that I was starting life over with strangers I’d never talked to before wouldn’t work the same way as it did when I was blindfolded and sitting in front of a stranger.
My friend also texted me a new answer to one of the dating app prompts I felt had a lot of potential!
It was the same feeling I get when I come across a piece of writing that stirs me, and I need to channel it into a piece of my own.
After playing with my good friend’s initial answer, I came up with this:
Do you agree or disagree that…
Sex isn’t the only way to connect & develop intimacy. Expressing & discovering other forms of physical & emotional intimacy is very important to me & something I deeply desire & love when connecting with someone new.
Tell me… Is there a better way to explain my asexuality?!
Now I just had to sit and (painfully) wait. My therapist explained that in passing too. That the more specific and clear I’d get, the fewer bites I’d get. She explained that it was a good thing, and allowed me to learn patience. Until then, I’d need to find some other things to get into, in hopes of meeting new people.
“There’s a local Facebook group you could join to meet new people. It’s pretty active!” My therapist told me. She shared the name of the group and I excitedly told her how I’d already joined and was planning to go to a crochet meet-up later that week.
She smiled, “That’s good to hear!”
Good to hear, but not so good of an experience.
I’d purchased some beginner yarn and crochet hooks, entered the dessert shop, and sat in the corner of a long booth that outlined the quaint store.
As people came trickling in, in pairs and groups to crochet, I felt more and more alone. Most seem to come in mid-conversation as well. Rambling about the latest book they read or TV series they were watching.
Some people overlapped in conversations, overhearing work stories in their field.
Most of the meet up looked to be around my age–30s and maybe a few people at least a decade older–but I felt like I was in a stereotypical high school lunchroom: seeing friends form and talk about inside jokes and jobs and popular books and music and movies and you’re just out of the loop and feeling lonelier and lonelier until you’re ready to eat your lunch in a bathroom stall.
A nice young woman and her mom sat at my table and talked to me two or three times. They were nice, but I had absolutely nothing to contribute to any conversations happening in the room. Not even to, “What are you making?” because I was just learning the basics! It was a three-hour event, but I left an hour early because of how heavy the “I’m out of my element” feeling was.
And because it was freezing in there! My joints wouldn’t allow me to practice simple crochet chains any longer.
I got on Bumble BFF but truly didn’t know what to even look for in a friendship, no matter what the gender. And after the crochet circle, I didn’t know what conversation to begin at an arranged friendship date.
So I was in limbo. Not sure how to initiate friendship, and waiting for conversations that lasted longer than a few back and forths in dating apps. Until one day…
“Hey! Sorry for the delay in responding to you!”
I’d reached out to a guy on a dating app a few days back and he had finally replied.
We had some major interests in common, and I learned soon into our first conversation that he was drawn to my intimacy prompt. He considered himself somewhere on the asexual and aromanitc spectrum1. Or at least, as someone who has those tendencies. And that perked my ears!
He reached out when he was about to leave the state to visit family, so we texted back and forth the two weeks he was gone. By the time he was back in town, we’d set up a date for Korean fried chicken at a spot that had just opened.
Our texts were always long and I’d grown comfortable chatting with him. I mean, clearly… I was going to handle saucy fried chicken in front of him!
As I picked out a comfortable outfit for the date the next day, I hung it up behind my bedroom door and heard my phone ping. It was him!
But as I read the first few lines, my face fell…
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Thank you so much for reading a piece of my serialized memoir, Looking for Love: (More Than) A Dating Memoir! To receive upcoming installments (and to continue receiving other works of mine) directly to your inbox, subscribe below!
Aromantic is someone who lacks romantic attraction to people.
Been enjoying your journal posts. Lots of new info for me here haha. Stay safe!