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He’s going to be okay, but what about me?
Steadying myself, I watched as the pendulum shook before it began to swing. A visceral weight dropped off me when I saw it circle “yes,” I’d meet someone meant for me, too. And in that moment, I truly believed everything would be okay.
Despite how silly it may seem that I sought guidance from a rotating rock, it really did help to see something tangibly “tell” me everything would be okay. Especially imaging that both God, and my mom were the forces guiding those answers.
I had always wished I could be emotionally open with my mom, and this felt like I finally could be. I could finally get answers from her that wouldn’t be muddled by fear, anxiety, and control.
It was obvious to me that my upbringing wasn’t the healthiest it could be, and my therapist brought to my attention that what I was dealing with was a woman who was similar to Mother Gothel. The “mother” witch in Untangled.
“Have you ever watched the movie Untalged?”, my therapist turned toward me, readying herself to continue the conversation.
“No, but I’ve seen things about it here and there.”
“With everything you’ve told me, your mom reminds me a lot of Mother Gothel.”
I lit up, recalling a memory. “Oh! In college, a friend showed me a video of her singing “Mother Knows Best” because she said my mom reminded her of that character!”
Mother knows best, listen to your mother
It's a scary world out there
Mother knows best, one way or another
Something will go wrong, I swear
Ruffians, thugs, poison ivy, quicksand
Cannibals and snakes
The plague….
Mother's right here, Mother will protect you
Darling, here's what I suggest
Skip the drama,
Stay with mama
Mother knows best
from genius.com
“In the movie,” my therapist continues, “Rapunzel was kidnapped as a baby by Mother Gothel, so she’s not actually her mother. She wanted Rapunzel's hair which gives her eternal youth, and needed to keep her hidden away.”
I nod and keep listening.
“Your mom wasn’t keeping you hidden to be evil of course… From what you’ve told me? It was more of an attempt to ‘protect’ you by controlling you. And it breaks my heart the level of fear she had and how it affected her and everyone around her.”
That made complete sense to me.
When people would ask her if she was ready for me to leave the nest and head to college, I remember her mentioning a Bible verse stating that God said the man is supposed to leave his family and cleave onto his wife, not the woman.
I remember hoping I wouldn’t get into the only two colleges I was allowed to apply for1.
The older I got, the more trapped I felt. When I tried ordering my first alcoholic drink with family, it felt to me like she was trying to shame me for it.
Even with dating, I wasn’t allowed to see my boyfriends or their families during the holidays; it was strictly “family time.” I wasn’t allowed to use dating apps or sites period.
The guy I dated for nearly four years was never allowed to know where I lived in case he “went crazy if we were ever to break up.”
You could never talk to my mom about your emotions or anything that bothered you about how she ran things, because she would get offended and always find a way to be right.
Now, I’m working on living the opposite life. One where I’m way more free. Going from living a life where I fought for any autonomy, to one where I’m finally seen as the adult I am has been exhilarating, scary, and jarring.
I need more time than I’ve been allowing myself to calibrate and feel like an actual human.
But life’s been changing fast! I feel like a newly-walking toddler, and life’s grabbing my hand and speed walking and in order not to trip, fall, and skid my knees… I need to work hard to keep up!
With our changing family dynamic, starting my transition into actual adulthood, spending holidays differently, my friends getting into relationships…
Even though these things were good, I was beginning to feel a bit bored.
Aimless.
And sorta left behind.
I didn’t have any projects, a path… I didn’t feel like I had a purpose or any way to find my first spark of interest for it.
So… I turned to dating instead.
Blindfolded in-person speed dating, to be exact.
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I was only allowed to apply to two colleges because they were the closest to my physical home.
I had a Mother Gothel too. Her original plan was to have my dad take care of her in her dotage, as he was a registered nurse. Post divorce, and divorce fallout, guess who became Plan B? Yup, me.