The origin of my "controversial truth"
A welcome blurb that had more "tea" than I realized...
A few weeks ago, I went through my Substack to see if anything needed to be updated, and noticed my welcome blurb was a bit cryptic:
“Learning how to love life & process emotions after losing a parent, an identity, & the foundational courage it took to stand in a controversial truth”
“The foundational courage it took to stand in a controversial truth.”
I never expanded on that, but it came from a very specific incident. One that really made me rethink how I viewed myself before mom died.
And I think now’s a good time to dive into that.
There came a time in my life when the traditional way I witnessed and was taught to be a Christian rubbed me the wrong way. And I knew exploring those feelings wasn’t something I could do with anyone around me.
I also knew too many people were watching me a little too closely.
My “last straw” came in two instances:
The first was back in high school where I stated on Facebook my excitement to save up for the newest Sims game, only to have someone in my family “tell on me.”
Me sharing on the world wide web that I was eager to save up for a game was apparently equivalent to me crying broke when we weren’t. So I was scolded and told to delete my comment, which in turn led me to begin blocking anyone who had the capacity to go back to other family members and tell on me.
The second incident happened after realizing I needed a little more money for an unbelievable trip I was taking with friends to South Korea back in 2016.
I had been trying to create an online business, and desperately tried selling to people so I could make the money for the trip. As you can imagine, desperation wasn’t working.
As I became more stressed about being in a constant cycle of nothing moving forward in my life, I realized what I was surrounded by: stagnancy.
Everyone around me was a devout nondenominational Christian, yet I’d hear the same negative phrases, see the same behaviors, witness unchanging incomes despite wanting more…
There was nothing “selling” me on that type of Christianity. And after being dismissed and told one too many times to “just pray” or “read your Bible” because the devil was the only default for anything going in life that wasn’t “good”... I decided to build a relationship with God in another way.
So soon after, I began learning about manifestation.
It started with a book that absolutely changed my life (Bookshop affiliate link). It changed my mindset so much that I wanted something more than just the 30 minutes of recommended meditation to maintain the shifts I was making another 23 hours and 30 minutes each day.
So while still feeling on top of the world after reading the first book, I immediately read another book (another Bookshop affiliate link) that shared a lot of exercises to help heal your relationship with money.
Both books were able to help me:
Land two small remote jobs I had applied to 3 months before.
Learn that I was drowning in both a lack and victim mentality.
Rewire new possibilities and beliefs into my mind to replace the thoughts that kept me stuck in only seeing hopelessness.
A few things were even spotlighted in that initial book (same Bookshop affiliate link) that could’ve helped several people in my family!
If only they were open to anything more than just prayer and the Bible…
Those new understandings of the subconscious mind and having faith in the process were life-changing for me!
Eventually after my South Korea trip, I started working on an NLP1 certification I couldn’t really afford to invest in, but felt a need to because I was SO HUNGRY for more change in my life.
The more I learned how the mind and our thoughts worked, the more distant I felt from my family’s life “routine.”
Despite being quiet around my family about my gradual transformation, I could viscerally feel and see the differences in how we chose to navigate the world. It truly felt like I was standing outside, looking into a family filled with very familiar versions of me that no longer existed.
I wanted to protect my peace and energy as I kept eagerly learning, so this led me to double down on blocking and filtering who’s eyes saw me or my content online.
Over time, I ended up falling in love with oracle card pulls a coaching friend would do every week on Instagram stories. They had their audience choose between card A, or card B. And nearly every time I picked one, it was exactly the card I needed.
I’d even read the other card, and the one I intuitively chose was always the better fit. Helping me see a situation in a new light, or validating what I was going through.
I could write a book about my views on taboo practices as a Christian. But ultimately, I believe everyone has intentions they place on anything that matters to them. And sometimes, they’re passed down. Never to be explored or questioned by the believer.
Whether their identity is tied heavily to it, or they just unconsciously fall down an echo chamber filled with confirmation biases2… it’s common! It happens.
I just wanted to help people like me who always had questions but didn’t feel like getting their heads bit off for asking anything. Those who never fully aligned to a specific belief system, and wanted to find their own.
If I could see how much it helped me and how it unlocked so much potential that was stuffed away for so long… I could only imagine how it could help others do the same.
I spent years continuing to learn, grow, and spread the message, and after years of having family automatically blocked from certain content I’d post, the lack of friction became a forgotten benefit for me.
So it surprised me one day when a mutual of my parents walked into our home and said, “I looked you up online! Do you have a business or something?”
Three lovely people had stopped by to give us food and their condolences after mom’s death, and I was alone with them while dad was out finishing a quick errand.
They were around my parents’ age, and Christians as well. So I immediately wondered if the man asking about my presence online saw my asexual article detailing my experiences.
Or did he see my thoughts on manifestation? How I was pulling away from traditional Christianity?
My mind began to race as I stammered to formulate a casual response. “Oh, I uh… Tried to make something work while my mom was alive.”
I closed the door behind our visitors and quickly moved on. “ Did y’all drive far? Want anything to drink?”
This was the beginning of me realizing that I had lost “the foundational courage it took to stand in a controversial truth.”
The way I internally freaked out when someone I didn’t even know—but had a close enough proximity to “tell” on me—made me realize that I wasn’t as strong in advocating for my transformative change as I thought.
At the time, mom’s death was still very fresh and I didn’t really know how I felt about anything anymore. But one thing I did know for sure was that I could really tear myself down.
I felt like a coward for realizing that I never would have been so vocal about my changes and steps away from traditional Christianity had I not curated a safe space to do so.
How courageous was I really?
How much of a fraud was I to only “stand in my truth” online?
He never went into what of mine he saw online, but I felt exposed. I felt like a family member walked in while I had a bunch of tarot cards splayed out on the floor.
And feeling that type of contrast between the version of me that now noticed how much I purposefully hid my truth, and the one who’d hold space for those wanting to stand in theirs was beyond deflating for me.
I’ve changed a lot since mom died almost five months ago. Not so much into a contrastive change for the better, but more toward stability.
Something I truly felt I lost when mom died.
Now that I’ve spent time remembering who I am, I can clearly see that I didn’t lack courage when I didn’t speak my truth as publicly as I lived it online.
I craved safety and stability back then too. And so I found it, and protected it.
And I shared it in a way that led me to curate who I allowed into my new sacred understanding of life.
That’s a beautiful thing; something I couldn’t see or understand until only a month or so ago.
But it took patience, rest, and a consistent desire to change for me to reach this conclusion.
I think I’m gonna change my welcome blurb soon. Just a little bit, because I’m still healing.
But what a milestone to know that some of the words I wrote to succinctly describe myself less than a month after losing my mom no longer resonate!
I wasn’t entirely sure where I was going with this piece, just that I wanted to clarify the very visible welcome blurb for anyone established or new here.
But now it feels like a documentation of the person I’m finally (and gradually) getting to become.
And boy, do I like what I see.
A bit of a reflection for you…
~ Maybe not as drastic, but have you ever reworked any beliefs you wanted to change about yourself or your life?
~ What part of yourself have you felt like hiding before?
~ Have you ever had a life-changing revelation? What did it change about your life?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming and is known as the manual for the mind. It helps you learn how to communicate with others, and yourself through learnings and techniques that hit you on a subconscious level.
Funny you should mention this topic. There are certain things about myself that I don't discuss with my mother's side of the family, religion and sexuality being the main topics. They're rather Christian, and I'm a Witch. Nuff said!
I could bring these topics up, but I'm not that close to them to begin with, and I choose my battles carefully, especially taking my Long Covid into consideration. It's something of a "Don't ask, don't tell" situation, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Their eyes can pop out of their sockets once I'm dead and gone, provided any of them outlive me. (I'm on the tail end of the "baby boom, with only two main cousins younger than I am. There is the mess of second cousins, though.)
Wow Cierra, good on you for your journey. It is no small thing to unpackage yourself. To question your core beliefs. Writing seems to be a helpful medium, but to whom do you share?! I've had seasons doing this, badly. More anesthesia than growth. (not through writing, though) I found it was more me trying to learn myself and to be more assertive for those things I was learning. Just paying attention to your own takes and setting boundaries and space for yourself.