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“This never happens to me, but I matched with you and another woman I was interested in at the same time, and I’m more interested in romantically pursuing the other woman.”
I felt like I was just slapped. It HURT to be told last minute that he was talking to someone else and was more interested in her. Even so, I was aware that he owed me nothing. I’d never expect a potential date to tell me about his dating life when he wasn’t talking to me.
This was just the way the cookie crumbled.
But all throughout his apologies and confession to me, I noticed how often he’d reiterate wanting to keep in touch, and he followed that up by sharing events and places he goes to that pertained to a major (and niche) interest of ours.
Who goes beyond the typical politeness when rejecting someone like this?
I responded with a message making it very clear how hurtful and jarring it was that he waited until the night before to tell me, and also asked if he still wanted to keep the “date” and just go dutch while we chatted about our interest some more.
He said he’d love to, and just didn’t want to lead me on when he was interested in someone else. I told him I understood completely, and after he apologized profusely once more, (and me telling him it was completely fine), we ended the conversation so we’d have things to talk about at dinner the next day.
I got to the chicken spot first and found a seat, and he arrived a few minutes later.
There’s not much to share here; dinner went smoothly! We had good conversation about our interests, enjoyed the chicken, paid separately, hugged, and said goodbye.
Even though that was the last I would hear from him, I would happily say hello and thanks again for all the resources if I ever ran into him again.
But don’t let my brief summary of that interaction fool you; it was still disheartening to come across someone under the ace umbrella, and have the date you thought you were going to have completely shut down.
I wallowed in it a little the next day, but a feeling of hope washed over me, and in my determined state I headed to Reddit.
“Fellow Asexuals! Gush about your happily partnered lives!” I posted on an asexual subreddit.1
I explained what happened, how I was disappointed and hurt and initially felt like he’d be the ONLY person I’d come across who could’ve met the non-negotiables I had in a relationship. But how in the next breath I wanted to turn it around and see all the happy asexual relationships that existed around me! Or, on Reddit, better yet.
Have some proof of possibility to help me keep the faith, you know?
And people came through! Gushing about their partners whether they’ve been together for a few months, or over a decade!
I replied to each person, hyping them and their relationship up. It could’ve been looked at in a completely different light where making that post could’ve just made me think everyone else has what I’ll never get…
But I truly approached it wanting it to be an expander for my life. And I believe because I was genuinely in a state to receive the direct happiness of others’ lives, it made me hopeful, not miserable.
And not too long after that, I was on to my next potential date.
This new guy was hot and cold. He saw my intimacy post on another dating app I’d set up and respectfully asked me about it, and asked me out.
But leading up to the day we were supposed to go out, he didn’t chat with me much. Even by the day of our date, I had to check in to see if we were still going through with it so I could go on with my day if we weren’t.
Ultimately, we did end up meeting for lunch, and talked more deeply about intimacy during a walk after.
“I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t even know if it’d be a waste of time meeting up with you!” He exclaimed while we walked together on a public trail. He was understandably getting comfortable since I already was so open to talking about intimacy right out the gate on a date.
As he explained how sex was a more important need for him, I told him I understood as we explained to each other where we stood in willingness and desires for those things and more.
“In a perfect world, I’d love to meet someone who had no desire for sex. In a realistic world, I could handle a guy with a lower libido.”
He made a cringey face as I talked. “It’s reeeeally unlikely you’ll find someone who doesn’t want sex. Not impossible, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.”
Slightly irritated, I reiterated. “Yeah. I know. That’s why I said in a perfect world.”
The more he talked about his sexual needs in a relationship, the more he thought he sounded shallow. But I assured him he didn’t. It was a need for him in a relationship and that’s more than okay! It just meant we wouldn’t be compatible because it would obviously become an issue down the line.
We then hugged and left each other to go about the rest of our day.
By this time, I was getting a bit of dating fatigue. The constant letdowns both in person and while messaging guys about my two non-negotiables were beginning to get to me.
I wanted to take a break from dating apps, but their algorithm had different plans…
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I, of course, have access to the exact post I wrote, but will paraphrase here for privacy reasons.
Cierra, I admire your resilience. Your commitment to always be authentic inspires me.