What if it never gets better?

A quick reflection on despair.

Photo by Zen Chung

Some despair has hit me again; it hits quite often now.

Me not knowing what the point of me or anything is… Me thinking I know what I wanna work on, but then feeling SO drained just looking at anything that used to bring me joy or pique my curiosity…

Last night, I was trying so hard not to get frustrated at myself for being exhausted of everything that I pulled out my mini “Lego” build to hyperfocus on something that required my undivided attention.

But now, it’s the next day. It’s Wednesday.

I’m slowly getting into gear to work on things that’ll hopefully help me move some type of needle even a centimeter forward… But I had to get on IG first.

I post this AI-generated “motivational” quote every weekday so after I was done with that, I scrolled down a little and came across this post (the caption is so uplifting, and the carousel of images are too):

mdmotivator

A post shared by 𝐙𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐃𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐰𝐬𝐤𝐢 (@mdmotivator)

Then I scrolled through the comments and read one that said, “what if it never gets better.”

And that was a sentiment I immediately agreed with. What if it doesn’t?

But then, the thought that fell into place after that was, “how the hell would I or anyone know what the future holds?”

When I first got up this morning, I replied to a YouTube comment from a poll that asked if you believed in heaven or hell or nothing at all.

The person and I were talking about people dying and coming back to life, sharing their experiences. How they vary…

I mentioned how I had said in my initial comment that no one has ever died for 24 hours, took a tour of it, and came back to tell about it. I personally don’t know how much I trust people who died for a few minutes or an hour or two because I truly believe the mind and body are SO powerful and wildly just… powerful!

We can experience all sorts of supernatural things. People have! I believe it.

I’ve heard stories about people who have died or just see deceased family members they never knew about and then mention them and their name and what they look like, freaking out the rest of the living family…

Which goes into a lot of other mysteries about the dead, but I digress….

My point is… it’s all a mystery. Anyone can believe whatever they want. I believe, personally, that no one really knows what REALLY happens when you die.

I loved what Betty White said her mom would say when someone would pass: “now they know the secret.”

That’s so comforting to me. More comforting than any Christian belief I was told my whole life.

And you know what else is a secret?

The future.

People can have WILDLY amazing changes happen in their future, even if they’re in the darkest places in their lives at the moment.

It’s just like death; no one knows what that future really holds. So I should feel the same about the future of the living (in most cases).

Almost any situation can change. YOU can change.

And still, our future can hold surprises beyond our expectations. I dunno! NO ONE KNOWS.

Even if I refer back to my article about how God of War: Ragnarok had oracles, but they said they didn’t tell the future, just saw how predictable people were based on their nature: unless they changed it.

Even then, there’s times when the outcome can’t be predicted. But even more so if the person takes responsibility and changes their mindset, and the way they navigate life.

I’m not saying this in a bypassing way, just theorizing how much the future can vary. How just like death, we can’t know with 100% certainty what the future will bring.

I even got into an argument with my mom who said with 100% certainty what would’ve happened if I took a gap year before college.

I argued with her that she, in fact, had NO clue what would’ve happened with an event that never took place. And she argued that she 1,000% knew what would’ve happened–which is impossible!

So why am I fighting myself now? Why am I putting myself in my mom’s position of such confident certainty that I’ll continue to live in states of despair, wondering what am I living for?

It could change. I don’t know what could happen in the future.

Sure, things suck now. But they don’t always have to. And I’ll never know unless I keep living.

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You are a treasure, and I couldn’t bring myself to finish this post without sharing the things I enjoyed most last month.

I just can’t write February’s Monthly Musings… So I’ll share what I really loved from the month (you’re already getting a continuous deep dive into my struggles and reflections from it, haha).

Three Things I Enjoyed in February

ONE: FINCH APP

With constant bouts of despair, I understood why people might wanna adopt a pet to give them something to live for. But I don’t think that’s the best route to go just in case a pet doesn’t “fix” the despair and they just suffer with you.

That’s when I remembered a YouTuber mentioning the Finch app, and how it was like a therapeutic Tamagotchi. And it has been!

You are given the cutest little finch bird to take care of, name, clothe, and they grow up and gain personalities and everything!

The developers know the type of people using it, so it has so many ways to take care of yourself: breathing exercises, workouts, stretches, yoga, to-do lists that even have tasks for the day you’re just trying to exist.

No money needs to be spent to use the app, and the currency you earn in the app to buy more decor for your home, clothes, and more comes from the rainbow stones you earn every time you do things in the app. But you’re never punished for not following through or “breaking streaks.”

I’d highly recommend you check it out! When I brought it up in IG stories, I had some friends who already used it and got at least two others on board using it.

TWO: EARBUDS FOR MISOPHONIA/NOISE SENSITIVITY

I saw a Facebook ad a while back that said there were earbuds made for misophonia. That blew my mind!

Misophonia is having a sensitivity to noises like chewing, mouth-smacking, pen-clicking, etc. that makes you irate. And that’s me.

My dad is a VERY loud eater and my brother makes a lot of noise himself that makes it hard for me to concentrate on anything. So after a few days dealing with my brother being in his element, I decided to look more into the options available and found Quiet Loop earbuds.

They help with noise sensitivities in general, misophonia, and there’s even ones that help with concert noises.

What’s different about these versus the cheap ones that inflate in your ear/traditional earbuds is that these still allow you to hear conversations. You just don’t hear the annoying background noises that can bother you.

THREE: GLUCOSE GODDESS

I discovered Glucose Goddess thanks to Manifestation Babe, and I’ve played a bit with her super simple hacks that don’t involve any changes to your diet to create more energy, help with skin, and reduce cravings. And I think they may work!

Definitely gonna check out her first book eventually.

I’ve tested eating how I’m not supposed to according to her tips and how I could eat instead (a lot of it is about the order you eat your food and “clothing” food) and they seem to work! And my favorite part is her always saying do it when it’s easiest! Ahhh, flexibility.